Sun, Sun, Go Away!

I have always had a love affair with the sun.  Nothing brings me more serenity than the combination of the warm sun on my face, the scent of the earth, digging in the dirt, muddy toes, and an occasional cool breeze.  Maybe it’s my inner child that it invokes. Some how, the sunny weather has always been so inspiring…  Cat naps on a hot afternoon, a mist from a hose, the days of summer. 

Recently though, the sun and I have had a falling out.  There is a thin line between love and hate, you know.  I am not supposed to spend too much time with the sun.  I start getting headaches, and when I get too hot I feel exhausted. This has been very stressful on our relationship.    

Yesterday was a bright and sunny day.  I found myself wishing the sun would just go away.  Dominic was dying to go outside and play in the sun, but, like a stick in the mud, I kept trying to explain to him that I could not be in the sun.  Yeah, try to explain that to a four year old!  His little heart was crushed.  So finally, I decided that I could not let him down.   Even if it meant getting a headache, I was going to take him outside to play.  I cautiously proceeded outside.  I started calculating what I could do to make it work.

I ended up hooking up his turtle sprinkler in the yard.  I parked a lawn chair in the shade of the eves, and sat back and enjoyed.  A cold glass of water in my hand, helped keep me from getting to hot. It was perfect.  He was smiling and overjoyed that I was outside with him, and I was smiling and overjoyed that I was outside with him too!  I was able to relax, and he was able to play, I killed two birds with one stone.  He squealed with excitement, jumping through the water and my admiration for the sun, started to return. 

See I had let my perspective get skewed because I was just so tired. I had done too much and my brain apparently was near mush.  When I stopped and thought about it, there really was a way that I could do both.  This got me thinking, come summer, I just need a plan so I’m not stuck inside all day.  I am going to get a stand up mister, a comfortable lounge chair, and find a nice shady spot.  The mister will keep me from getting too hot, and the lounge chair will provide a comfy, relaxing spot.  I might even have to find myself a big floppy hat.  I will be glamorous, basking in all my pale glory.  Instead of saying I am sick, I will just tell people I’m trying to maintain my porcelain hue!  There is a way I can still have a relationship with the sun!

This whole “the mom that could” is really a work in progress.  Each day when I write my blog it is a reminder to myself.  I have to practice focusing on what I can do, not dwell on what I cannot.  Wishing the sun away is obviously not something I can do and even if I could, it isn’t really what I’d want to happen.  I can learn to have a loving relationship with the sun again, we just have to have some healthy boundaries.  For me, it’s just going to take a little planning ahead. J

stop and smell the carnations...

Each day I only have so much energy. Sometimes it’s deceiving too, yesterday for example I felt great, the best I had in days!  I cleaned the bathroom counter, picked up dirty clothes, walked Tre all the way to line up, and was doing quite well, until about noon.  After that, I crashed but I was so happy that I really appreciated the energy I had. Really it gave me hope that there will be days with more improvement, I kind of was wondering there for a while! Something that I try to take the time to do is care for my plants, at least water them. 

I have a lot of inside and outside plants; many came from my grandma’s house after she passed last year.  Somehow each time I walk outside and am met with a new bloom on one of her plants, I feel a little bit like it’s her way of saying “hi” or a gift from her.  It brings me some comfort because I really do miss her and wish so much that I could still talk to her, especially when things get hard.  It’s hard when that go-to person is gone and both of mine passed away within a year of each other.  I was especially happy this year when the huge iris from her house bloomed, I hoped upon hopes that I hadn’t killed them in the move! 

Carnations were one of her favorites (and my other grandma I lost before her too) I have to say they are becoming one of my favorites as well.  I have a large container that is just overflowing with pink blooms.  The smell doesn’t carry on the air like jasmine does, but when you take the time to get close to them, the smell is just about one of the most amazing smells in the world.  You can really get lost in the aroma.

I guess there are a lot of things like that, that can just be a surge of pleasantry to the senses, if only we take the time to appreciate them.  Stopping to watch my children sleep and reminisce about the days past, reading a message from someone we have lost, looking at pictures from a happy occasion...  Even seeing a dragon fly, like the one that hovered over me the day my grandma died, they remind me of her.  When we take the time to really look, we can use these things to invoke positive feelings, sometimes taking us back to another time and recapturing the feelings from then. Even on the worst of days, sometimes just stopping to smell the carnations can bring me peace.  In the smell, I see her smile, I feel her hug, I remember her.  The things I nurture and love to spend my limited energy on; my relationship, my children, and my garden, are the things that can pick me up on the days when I struggle to remember that “I can” be happy. 

When a flower blooms, it’s like a thank you, “thanks for taking care of me”, like when your child turns and says “thanks Mom!” I mean it really makes it all worth it, right?  I guess by caring for my children, my husband, and my plants, I really am taking care of myself.  I am planting the seeds of little gifts that I will get back, little things that might just be the sunshine I need on a cloudy day.

we just have to keep believing...

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

Let me introduce myself and my blog...

This is my first blog post, so I just want to really introduce myself. My name is Danielle, I am the mother of 2 little boys, I have a wonderful husband, and I currently am a stay at home mom.  I recently completed my Bachelor’s in Human Services.  What is next for me is still unclear.  My oldest son was diagnosed with Early Onset Bipolar Disorder over a year ago.  Life has been filled with ups and downs, frustrations, inspirations, and sometimes just hurt.  This is something I will share a lot about; I wish more people would share their stories. So many people have opinions about mood disorders in children, medication for children, and even whether bipolar even exists in children.  I have seen the face of bipolar, I have lived with bipolar, I believe in bipolar.  Those skeptics out there, I respect, but I offer you my shoes… walk in them a week and then tell me what you think.

Just before my 28^th birthday, I went shopping with my youngest son and could barely write my name. That’s how it started, filling out a customer information card at a store.  Then I started having weird pains in my head, numbness, nerve pain, bruising, loss of control of limbs…  after multiple tests the doctor says he believes I have lupus or secondary lupus.  I have a month until I see the specialist for more tests and more information.  I spent about two weeks in bed, fevers, exhaustion, skin crawling, fun stuff.  The doctor prescribed steroids for five days and I was finally able to get out of bed. All of this has changed so much for me.  I have gone through grieving, doubt, anger… but I’m not going to let it win.  I am going to try everything I can to stay healthy. I’m eating healthier, I’m researching, and I’m ready to see what the specialist has to say!  Through it all I’ve realized just how wonderful my husband is and how important I really am to him.  I’ve had to stop wanting things done my way and accept that other people can do things right too!

Every day I ask myself:

1) How much energy do I have today?  (Even when it feels like a good amount, it can be gone in the blink of an eye!)

 2) What is the most important thing I have to do today? (After getting my son to and from school)

3) What is not important to do today?  (In case I just can’t do anymore)

4) Did you tell your husband and kids how much you love and appreciate them?

5) Have I done something for myself?  (Some days this is just making the bed so it’s more comfortable to relax and watch a movie!)

When I open my eyes each morning I tell myself “I can”, and even if it’s not much, I still can do something.  See if I wake up thinking “I can’t do this…” then I debilitate myself. I’m not saying that I can magically make my disease go away but I believe that telling myself “I can” makes all the difference in the world.

I won’t discuss politics.  I’m not incredibly crafty. I enjoy gardening and photography.  I might discuss a good book or movie, poetry, or inspirational phrases. I will probably discuss information on bipolar or lupus, or even a favorite recipe.  Ultimately I’m just a mom and a wife, rolling with the punches.