Teach your kids to be kind...

Sometimes things happen that are just so disappointing.  After Tre had a little squabble with a neighbor boy a few days ago, he was allowed to play with the understanding that he stay away from that boy.  See we found out that day that the kids on the block were sitting together, calling Tre names.  They were calling him weird, and dirty, and “the white kid”.  So instead of getting mad, he started touching the boy in the arm.  Meanwhile another boy is flipping him off with both hands saying “Faggot!”…  So the kid Tre is touching gets grossed out by him touching him, and punches him in the chest.  Tre snapped and punched the kid in the eye.  I can only imagine what it must have felt like in that moment to have everyone calling him names and making a game up of “Don’t let him touch you, he’s nasty”…  I tell him always to come home.  But what I’m figuring out is that a lot of these kids have targeted him and they pass their time, making fun of him.

Did I run to their parents and tell them all what disgraces to society I felt they were raising? No… I told him he was limited to play with four kids. Two are a brother and sister; the other two are their cousins.  Even Dominic plays well with them all.

Well today the boys went to play with these kids; they’re right across the street.  We had a bathroom flood, so I agreed to let them play, while I cleaned up the mess.  I no sooner get done, sit down, and here comes the big sister of the kid Tre punched the other day.

She starts telling me how Tre is causing all kind of trouble.  I ask “what happened? He is supposed to stay away from him?” She said “Well he is playing a few houses down, but he threw a water balloon at my brother.”  I must’ve had a “you’re kidding me” Look on my face, because she then says “And he messed up his eye the other day!” 

I try to start explaining to her that the other kids have been very cruel to Tre.  I told her that her brother had taken a swing at him, and he punched back. I told her that we have told our son not to start a fight but he can stand up for himself.  She tells me that she doesn’t know what happened because she wasn’t there. I told her I had talked to some older kids (like 18 and 19) who told me the same story Tre told.  Tre’s friends (the brother sister, and cousins) told me the same story too. 

I then try to explain to her that the kids peg him because he is different, that he has asperger’s.  I look up and her little brother is laughing, and I point it out, I say “See he thinks it’s funny!” and shake my head. She tells me “He just isn’t mature enough to understand!” I ask her if she would prefer I kept him home in a cage.  She looked at me funny and said something to the effect of how hard it must be to be his mom…

So I tell her fine.  “Look, he isn’t supposed to play with your brother anyway. Since your mom sent you here to talk to me, make sure she understands what is going on, and make sure she tells him to stay away from Tre!”   She tells me things need resolved before the problems get more serious, and they have to take things further.

Once I get my kids home, in their rooms…  I’m livid at the whole situation.  I am a mix of embarrassed, angered, disappointed. The one thing I’m upset with Tre about is we keep telling him to walk away from conflict.  Then Dominic tells me, “Mommy, the big girl was calling me a maggot out there and Tre got really mad” (replace the m with an f, and that’s what she called him- Dominic just doesn’t know that word).  Then it made sense. He got upset because now they were making fun of his little brother.  A five year old!  What could he have possibly done to make them have a grudge against him? 

I sat here in tears for a while.  Here I work my best to teach my child acceptance.  I know in his heart he is kind. He will play with a child, no matter what limitations that child has.  Yet all these “neurotypical” kids around they end up stealing, lying, calling mean names…  It makes me worry about his future. If it’s this bad at nine, how will it be at 12?  There are days I know he drives me crazy and I wish sometimes that he were just a “normal kid”, but he isn’t and it breaks my heart to know that he isn’t finding acceptance.  I wish these parents could realize for one second how much it breaks my heart to know what their kids are saying to him and what they think of him.  Those nasty words he says sometimes? He learned it from them!  

I wish I could wave a magic wand and move away to a place where people would be more loving, and accepting. No matter how hard I try I can’t take the place of a friend for my child.  Right now he is in his room, because he didn’t walk away. He pushed things farther, and he really should have just come home.  But I need the time to sort through this all.

What would you do? 

April Showers Bring May Flowers... :)

So my last time writing was a month ago. What a roller coaster ride we have been on! First, my dad…  Well without getting too personal and too detailed, he is gone.  Him not living here is going to be better for our family. He had a second heart attack, just two weeks after the first.  His mood became far worse and his resentment towards me grew.  He became violent with the hospital staff… it just got really, really bad.  When he came home, despite trying to act better, he would get very irritated when I would say something. One day I tried to explain to him that he had to accept some personal responsibility for things that have happened and he decided at that point it’d be better for him not to live here.  He didn’t exactly leave on the best terms… helped himself to some things, took some things he shouldn’t have, and said some horrible things. But hey, this isn’t going to be a vent session, so I’ll stop there.

Things were really hectic. We went from not knowing if dad was going to be okay, to finding out his heart was failing.  Then to find out his condition is bad, but not as bad as we were made to think!  I was initially told he could only be released to a skilled nursing facility, and then was getting called to pick him up!  I never knew when the phone rang what was going to happen.  Meanwhile he would call me from the hospital yelling at me to come pick him up.  One day I stood arguing with him in the parking lot at the T Ball field and it was just the worst feeling in the world. There I was trying to watch my son play and couldn’t even do that. 

See all the while this was going on, we still had T Ball, and we had school, and well things were hard!  I’m very much looking forward to summer break. 

I started a new medication to help treat my auto-immune issues and I can’t really say I’m feeling much of a difference.  I have heard some people have amazing changes on it, and well…  It’s been a month now and nothing major has changed for me.

Now that things are quieting down a little bit, I’m regrouping.  When you live with someone you aren’t comfortable with, it is incredibly liberating when you can take your space back.  To feel comfortable again, I didn’t realize how much I just stayed back in my room, avoiding conflict.  I did some reading on toxic people, and well…  it just made sense.

On the other side of things, Tre is doing quite well. We were down to the wire and he had to put in some long hours to complete enough coursework for the year. We started late, so we were a little behind everyone else.  But he got his percentages where he needed them and I am so proud of him.  We had some rough days, and with my dad being in the hospital, I was back in forth for most of April.  We did what we could, when we could. Thank goodness my cousin came to stay with us for a while, he helped so much!  But still, there were certain things I needed to wait to do with him, until I could be there.  But hey, all is well that ends well. 

He finally got to see his therapist again, since things calmed down.  She wants to focus on his separation anxiety.  Helping him be more independent.  I think it’s to a good focus. 

I’m playing with the idea of working on my Master’s Degree.  It’s still a ways off in the future and there are just sooo many things that are telling me I’m crazy for thinking about it.  But I don’t want to regret later not doing it.  And it’s not like we have a big support group to help with the kids.  So, I’m not sure. 

I wish I had some big insightful thing to say to wrap this all up.  So much has happened I feel like life just regurgitated 5 years worth of crap in my lap.  And I’m slowly working through it.  One day at a time…  And regardless of everything else, I get to tuck my kids in at night, kiss them, and tell them I love them.  That makes it all worth it.   And they say April showers bring May flowers...