Teach your kids to be kind...

Sometimes things happen that are just so disappointing.  After Tre had a little squabble with a neighbor boy a few days ago, he was allowed to play with the understanding that he stay away from that boy.  See we found out that day that the kids on the block were sitting together, calling Tre names.  They were calling him weird, and dirty, and “the white kid”.  So instead of getting mad, he started touching the boy in the arm.  Meanwhile another boy is flipping him off with both hands saying “Faggot!”…  So the kid Tre is touching gets grossed out by him touching him, and punches him in the chest.  Tre snapped and punched the kid in the eye.  I can only imagine what it must have felt like in that moment to have everyone calling him names and making a game up of “Don’t let him touch you, he’s nasty”…  I tell him always to come home.  But what I’m figuring out is that a lot of these kids have targeted him and they pass their time, making fun of him.

Did I run to their parents and tell them all what disgraces to society I felt they were raising? No… I told him he was limited to play with four kids. Two are a brother and sister; the other two are their cousins.  Even Dominic plays well with them all.

Well today the boys went to play with these kids; they’re right across the street.  We had a bathroom flood, so I agreed to let them play, while I cleaned up the mess.  I no sooner get done, sit down, and here comes the big sister of the kid Tre punched the other day.

She starts telling me how Tre is causing all kind of trouble.  I ask “what happened? He is supposed to stay away from him?” She said “Well he is playing a few houses down, but he threw a water balloon at my brother.”  I must’ve had a “you’re kidding me” Look on my face, because she then says “And he messed up his eye the other day!” 

I try to start explaining to her that the other kids have been very cruel to Tre.  I told her that her brother had taken a swing at him, and he punched back. I told her that we have told our son not to start a fight but he can stand up for himself.  She tells me that she doesn’t know what happened because she wasn’t there. I told her I had talked to some older kids (like 18 and 19) who told me the same story Tre told.  Tre’s friends (the brother sister, and cousins) told me the same story too. 

I then try to explain to her that the kids peg him because he is different, that he has asperger’s.  I look up and her little brother is laughing, and I point it out, I say “See he thinks it’s funny!” and shake my head. She tells me “He just isn’t mature enough to understand!” I ask her if she would prefer I kept him home in a cage.  She looked at me funny and said something to the effect of how hard it must be to be his mom…

So I tell her fine.  “Look, he isn’t supposed to play with your brother anyway. Since your mom sent you here to talk to me, make sure she understands what is going on, and make sure she tells him to stay away from Tre!”   She tells me things need resolved before the problems get more serious, and they have to take things further.

Once I get my kids home, in their rooms…  I’m livid at the whole situation.  I am a mix of embarrassed, angered, disappointed. The one thing I’m upset with Tre about is we keep telling him to walk away from conflict.  Then Dominic tells me, “Mommy, the big girl was calling me a maggot out there and Tre got really mad” (replace the m with an f, and that’s what she called him- Dominic just doesn’t know that word).  Then it made sense. He got upset because now they were making fun of his little brother.  A five year old!  What could he have possibly done to make them have a grudge against him? 

I sat here in tears for a while.  Here I work my best to teach my child acceptance.  I know in his heart he is kind. He will play with a child, no matter what limitations that child has.  Yet all these “neurotypical” kids around they end up stealing, lying, calling mean names…  It makes me worry about his future. If it’s this bad at nine, how will it be at 12?  There are days I know he drives me crazy and I wish sometimes that he were just a “normal kid”, but he isn’t and it breaks my heart to know that he isn’t finding acceptance.  I wish these parents could realize for one second how much it breaks my heart to know what their kids are saying to him and what they think of him.  Those nasty words he says sometimes? He learned it from them!  

I wish I could wave a magic wand and move away to a place where people would be more loving, and accepting. No matter how hard I try I can’t take the place of a friend for my child.  Right now he is in his room, because he didn’t walk away. He pushed things farther, and he really should have just come home.  But I need the time to sort through this all.

What would you do?