The Now

                Minutes, turn into hours; weave into days, sometimes at speeds so fast it is simply impossible to comprehend.  To find a shirt in the back of the drawer “oh this is his favorite!” yet when he tries it on, his little belly shows, a good indication that time has once again lapsed and he has grown without warning.  Those moments you think “I wish it could stop, I wish he could stay little, just for a while”, but at the same time thank God for being able to see him outgrow yet another pair of shoes.  Those moments he picks up a book and reads it, without asking for help.  I feel sadness because he does not need me to read the pages that we read over and over… and a sense of pride that I helped him become the child that can read that book, himself. 

                Time just keeps passing.  When did my baby turn become a six year old?  Sometimes my heart wrenches as I tell him “You have to try to do it yourself”, as he gets older, he’ll want my help less and less.  I am not sure who I am going to be, when there are no longer shoes that need tied.  I wish sometimes I could bottle up this time and keep a little for a special occasion. 

                Looking back over the last six years, it is amazing how many things have changed.  I never was able to give him 100% of me.  I had a three year old that, while very independent, really needed a lot of guidance and attention.  I went back to school when he was only two months old.  I spent days nursing him, while writing research papers.  Now, looking back, I wish I had savored my time with him more.   I was doing what I thought was right and trying to help our family.

                I remember days he would have to lay awake in his bassinet because Tre was having a meltdown.  Those were the days my heart felt like it was ripped to pieces.  Now, I believe those experiences helped mold him into a child that has no problem going and playing alone.  I guess things do work out, even when you feel sometimes they won’t. 

  I remember days of riding the bus to the store, with him in a baby carrier, and trying to carry bags of groceries and an infant, upstairs to our apartment.  Days I was always in a hurry, trying to get things done.  Days I wish I could go back to and play with him again.  

                Every morning at school he demands I stand at the gate and wave to him, until his teacher walks his class to their room.  He stands and waves and waves.  And I stand and I wave and wave.   I will stand there for those ten minutes, because in a few months, he won’t need me to anymore.  The day he decides he doesn’t need me to stand there and wave, will be a sad day for me.  

                Being a parent creates so many conflicting feelings.  There is fear that they are growing up too fast, mixed with the happiness that they are not scared to be independent.  I find myself concerned that they might get hurt, mixed with a hint of admiration of their courage.  I long to watch them grow up and become a men, while fighting off sadness that the time is going by so fast.  Some days I am wishing they would stop growing, but am terrified that I will miss the chance to see it happen.

                I have made so many mistakes over the last six years.  I have not always made the right choices.  Sometimes when life is beating down the door, you have to answer.   These are the things I want him to remember; no matter what, I love you and always have.  I love your morning grogginess, that you have always had.  I love the way you sneak into my room at night, and I wake up cuddled up next to you.  I love sitting back and watching you play, in your imaginary world, I would love to see things through your eyes! 

                Being a mom has to be the hardest thing I have ever done.  The fact is that life keeps going, even when something goes wrong.  Sometimes all I want to do is sit down and play but I know dinner has to be made, bills have to be paid, and some things can’t wait.  When one child has a meltdown, the other still needs you.  When you have health troubles, your kids still need help with homework.  When you lose a loved one, the kids still need to know they are loved and you aren’t going anywhere.  It is hard to find a balance. 

                Today, I sit here waiting to hear some medical test results.  It’s a pretty big deal and they are a few weeks coming.  I am waiting for the phone to ring, but trying to find ways to keep busy.  When the kids are here, I try to just focus on them.  Sometimes a sadness creeps over me, like “what if the results aren’t good… what then?” I want them to be number one, what toll will it all take on them.    As moms, we have to deal with everything that is going on and still remember that there are little people counting on us, depending on us, and learning from us.  After struggling with anxiety the last few days, I’ve opted to focus on the now.  I’m not worrying about what’s coming, what might happen, or how fast time has flown by.  I’m going to cherish each now.  I’m going to be present.  We never know, after all, what will happen.  Even the moments we feel are so hard now, in hindsight are just a blink of an eye.