Remembering the past to help with the now

People handle fear differently.  The other day after my Doctor Appointment, I cried the whole way to get Tre from school.  I just didn’t know how to process this news.  We parked, I got out to go get Tre and my friend yells from across the parking lot “So, what’s your problem? What’s wrong with you?” I looked at her, trying to figure out what she was talking about and it dawned on me that she was referring to my appointment. I wiped the tears from under my big sun glasses and told her what I had been told.  She just said she hoped it wasn’t too serious. 

With the things I am going through, I kind of am failing at the “I can” aspect I so dearly was clinging onto just weeks ago. The other day I told myself, “If I can just walk around the block, I will feel sooo much better” I made it around the block, sort of. Ran into a trash can, found myself kind of staggering back in forth. Giggled to myself that I’d probably have a sobriety test right then and there, should a police officer walk by…  and that despite being about 11am, I probably could bet one of the other people walking was actually intoxicated and walking much better than I was!  By the time I made it home, I was happy I’d found Dominic some nearly perfect jeans for $1 each at a yard sale, and a cotton summer dress for $2- but I was exhausted.  I kicked back on the couch, and the next thing you know, two hours later, I’m waking up. I couldn’t focus my eyes, couldn’t sit up, for a few minutes I thought something horrible had happened.  I just relaxed a bit, gathered myself, and was able to get up.  Somehow I thought getting my blood flowing would help me feel better, nope.

Yesterday I had to go to the mall to get my graduation dress, that should be a whole post of it’s own- this graduation thing. Though some may mistake me as a cynical, joyless person, so I think I’ll sleep on it a few days.  Not that I’m not happy about graduation; I get to walk across that stage with (well maybe before or after) one of my dearest friends, we really pushed each other through the last year and a half of college, and I get to see some of my family.  I guess to sum it up, I have a pile of debt, and an undiagnosed medical condition.  If things don’t get better, I can’t have a job, so that’s a sense of where I’m at.  But I did get a pretty dress J  I might be the only person walking across stage in basically flip flops though.  Richard said he is going to give me a pedicure, since I can’t really sit too long in the same position, going to get one is not really an option right now.  Isn’t he the best?

Okay, okay, okay, I was talking about fear and now I’m talking about toes…  hello, back to the point.  A year ago today, I watched my grandma fight to live, and fight to die.  There was so much she still had to live for and so much waiting for her on the other side. Diagnosed just seven months before with Stage IV non-small cell, rapid growing, lung cancer, her outlook was grim. The doctors offered her some hope through chemo and radiation, said it could give her years to live, instead of just months.  Well her liver didn’t handle the chemo well, and long story short, it gave up before the cancer won.  But when I think back about our time together, I remember how strong she was. I held her hand through her first chemo, we sat and giggled, and reminisced, she told me in those times we shared how special I was to her. She used to call me “Super Mom” and I’d laugh and tell her I was far from it, she said I had the “patience of a Saint” I’d kindly deny, she told me how much she appreciated me- now that meant a lot.  Now that she isn’t here, I gently encourage myself, echoing the words in my mind.

See when she got sick, I held her hand and told her, we’re going to get through this, I’m going to be there, it’s going to be okay.  I thought at the time I meant “It’s okay, you’re going to get through alive” but in fact it was “It’s okay you’re going to get through this, and then you’ll be even better…”  After watching the last and hardest night, thanks to my cousin Irene for being there-  I knew she was ready to go.  After she passed that next morning, we toasted her with a glass of wine. 

When the nurse finally came, three hours later, she called us all to her side.  There sat my grandma, whose face had been twisted from what I presume a stroke, but miraculously, her face had relaxed and donned what could be described as nothing less than a smile.

I really miss her.  Right now, I’d be calling her, she’d be calling me… but what I do have are memories.  I do feel like she is always here with me. On my hand I wear her wedding ring, in my head I hear her voice, in my heart I hear still feel her hand, holding mine. 

Life isn’t always going to be full of good news.  I guess we have to learn to accept that.  While not everyone knows just what to do or what to say, having people around that care, that is what matters.  The last two years of my life, so much has changed.  But, I know my husband will see me through the worst of storms, my kids will love me, even when there’s not much I can do for them, and I have friends and family who care- and maybe that is the good that is coming out of all of this.  Now I just need to work on the being stronger part…

update...

A few weeks ago, I was at my son’s martial arts class and his instructor asked me how I’d been feeling. I told him that the doctor thought I had lupus and that I was doing alright, I didn’t have a lot of energy, wasn’t feeling real well. He told me all about how important what I eat is, I agreed- he also said the power of thought is enough to cure anything, even cancer. I walked away feeling as though he was telling me it was all in my head. Like I had the ability to tell whatever it was to just “go away” if I tried hard enough and believed.  I was kind of irritated.

Well my appointment on Wednesday was, well, interesting. Went in, the doctor looked at my blood results said the marker the indicated I may have lupus was in fact, very low. He said my symptoms were what alerted the doctor to send me his way.  The rheumatologist took a good amount of time and examined me, my motion, places that hurt, talked about different symptoms, different problems I’ve been having, etc.  He was somewhat puzzled as well.  He said that we definitely have something autoimmune going on-  so we’re doing more blood tests to get more answers there. However, there is another cluster of symptoms that tell him my problem is more specifically neurological. He said “we need to expand our range of diagnosis to include some pretty serious problems…”  Well, that’s reassuring!

I spent the last month preparing myself for the “bad news” of lupus.  I mean it’s not the end of the world but it can be pretty scary. Now I’m looking at something way broader.  He is sending me for a brain MRI and to a neurologist.  He suspects I have lesions on my brain.  Tried “googling” it and decided it was not in my best interest to do so. 

I’m jumping between emotions here- trying to be optimistic, but scared when he said “serious” I think he was reluctant to actually specify how “serious” this could be.  I’m hoping, praying, etc.  I realized on my way home from his office, there are two things that terrify me, more than anything.  First being not seeing my children grow up, or at least not being in the right mental state to really understand or be involved.  Second, I don’t want to be an embarrassment or burden on my kids.  I read that a lot of neurological problems are degenerative.  I’m 28 years old and I already feel 80, how much more degeneration is there going to be?  I’m not trying to jump the gun.  I guess I just don’t want to pretend like nothing is wrong and go in there and be floored with the results. 

Richard and the boys went on a trip to visit his parents this weekend, and it’s so quiet here.  I realize now, just how much those little boys of mine keep me going.  I’ve spent most of the time on the couch watching old episodes of Medium on Netflix on demand.  I don’t have energy but normally I’d have to push myself to make them lunch, to tie a shoe, to find a missing sock…  I don’t know, they have this magic ability to make me feel “normal”.  I can’t wait for them to get back, and to greet them with hugs. 

The rheumatologist prescribed me xanax, because my brain is sending the messages to my body that trigger anxiety responses. My muscles tighten up, my heart starts beating fast, it’s hard to explain but he was right when he saw it, I hadn’t even realized. There are times I literally am holding my arm down thinking “Relax, relax!”  The xanax is helping with that, it’s also making me relax more all together.  I still feel lazy, not being able to do anything, on the bright side, I don’t beat myself up as much! 

Next week, I have to call the doctor’s office and find out if the insurance approved my MRI, if not I have to go to the Neurologist first, and have that doctor order it. So we are still at least weeks away from any kind of answer.  So I feel like I’m here, stuck in limbo, I’d love to go do things to take my mind off of it but I just don’t have the energy. 

I guess my son’s sensei was right after all, it is in my head. Though I’m not sure it’s in the way he intended it to be.  I guess I just have to keep working harder at that positive thinking… not sure there’s anything else I can do for now.

The Homeopath...

I haven’t spoken a lot about my son’s struggles with bipolar disorder.  Maybe because it is not something I want to label him as, but really it’s not a dirty secret.  It’s a hard reality we live with each day. Some days are better than others, some days I literally pray for the strength to get through. Some days I’m a good mom and some days I foul things up, miserably.  It’s like a rollercoaster ride, with lots of loops and turns… but when I start to feel sorry for myself, I have to look at how hard it is on him.  After a year and a half of Psychiatric help, I’m going to try a new path. See for me there’s this persistent underlying question “what if I can do more?”   A few months ago I was irritated beyond belief when our insurance company would not cover us seeing a homeopath.  See I want to test for not just allergies but sensitivities; I want to check things beyond his blood sugar level and thyroid levels. I want to have someone look at him and really examine him, from the inside out. 

So, I decided to make phone calls and found a doctor who is not insanely expensive who has agreed to work with us. This doctor takes a number of tests and figures out people’s chemistries and comes up with supplements that can accommodate anything lacking or create balance for any imbalances.  I actually am in a support group for parents of bipolar children and one of the dads has had his son off of anti-psychotics for some time now, using diet and supplements to stabilize his son.  Another parent has been able to use supplements in addition to her child’s medications, and has found that her child is doing very well.  I am not trying to be too optimistic but it is a very exciting thought.  I read the comments section of his website and was impressed with the number of people he has helped; ADD, ADHD, Bipolar, Lupus (which I might just have to look into later!)…  the success stories were really reassuring.

I can completely understand people who are quick to say “children should not be medicated” in fact, I too felt that way.  However after trying everything in my power, including counseling for all of us, I didn’t know what else to do.  I wish I never had to put him on medication, ideally I would prefer to treat his mood disorder naturally.  Now, should I find that prescription medications are going to be the best shot at my son having a “normal” life, then that is what we will continue to do. 

I don’t think there are many people out there that opt to say “please, give me a prescription for my child that may cause problems with his liver, or kidneys, please prescribe me something that is going to cost us thousands of dollars a year, please subject my child to tests, and sessions, that they never want to go to…” but ultimately we all can only do our best, and I think at least the majority of people do act in the best interest of their children.  Parenting can be challenging but through in rages, meltdowns, tantrums, separation anxiety, manic episodes, well it can feel like a nightmare some days that you just can’t wake up from.  At the end of the day, you see this little person sound asleep, peacefully and you try to convince yourself it couldn’t be the same person who was screaming “I HATE YOU” just an hour before.  You try to focus on the good days, but no one is perfect and some days it’s hard not to resent that there can’t be a normal outing to the park or mall.  You wonder what it would be like to just have a day without being told you were hated or horrible-  But then again, he laughs, he smiles, he says “mom I love you” and there is strength in that to go on.

People argue that a hundred years ago these disorders did not exist- this is possibly true… but the hormones that are used in foods were not around, the chemicals that are injected into animals grown to eat, the environmental components were not around… pesticides were not sprayed, cars were not jammed up on freeways, and gross polluters did not exist, antibiotics were not overly prescribed, etc. There are a lot of things around that were not prevalent a hundred years ago.  A lot of things that could act as triggers for children.

I guess ultimately I am discovering that sometimes it is something deeper, does it still cause a mood disorder? Yes, but maybe, just maybe it can be treated differently.  In the way that some people can treat their diabetes with diet, maybe we can find a way to do the same for our son. 

I guess I just want to put to bed that omnipresent thought of “what if I just missed something?”  I’m eager to be taking him to someone who is going to be asking himself the same question! 

I will share our experience and what we find out. Hopefully we can learn things that may be of value to others as well!

Get Creative: The Value of a Hobby

            With going to school full time in addition to being a mom, wife, pet owner, etc. I was really busy up until the end of April.  Fortunately, I only started getting really sick midway through the end of my last college class!  I’ve been plagued with the question of “what now?” but have decided that things happen for a reason and things are going to unfold soon. I will see what path I am supposed to take, so worrying about it will achieve nothing more than a headache.

            So suddenly I find myself with all of this time on my hands.  Unfortunately doing too much means I’ll be hurting. So if I try to tackle something like dusting, sweeping, and mopping… odds are I won’t make it through sweeping. My body just isn’t able to do a lot, it’s a reality I have to face for the time being.  I have however gotten quite burned out on sitting in bed watching movies.  Sure lounging and movie watching has it’s great points, but really I start to feel like I’m living in my own world and it’s lonely.  My grandma’s sewing machine has been calling to me for weeks now, and I finally pulled it out of it’s case last week.

            Not knowing the first thing about sewing, I tried to watch a tutorial online, hmmmm, can’t say this helped me AT ALL.  I quickly put it away.  Then I started looking at dresses on etsy.com and felt inspired. I thought, I could do something like this, I just have to learn.  I remember when I was little my grandma made me the most amazing pink dress. It was my favorite dress and I was so sad when I outgrew it. Unfortunately that was one of the last projects she ever made. As time went on she just didn’t sew as much.  I can recall watching her though, cutting out the pattern, then the material, watching her was like watching an artist create a portrait, she had amazing flow and talent.  I just wish I had asked her more questions.

            So I finally pulled the sewing machine back out on Friday.  I decided I was not going to put it away until I figured out what the heck I was supposed to do.  I didn’t know how to thread it, what the heck the bobbin was for. I really should have taken Home Ec.!  I used the almighty “Google” search and have to say, I learned a lot!  I ran into a problem, I tried trouble shooting and I’ll be darned, I figured it out!  I also came across some super cute patterns for pillowcase dresses.  I decided that would be my first project.  While it isn’t perfect, I managed to complete one in only a few hours.  My back was screaming at me when I was done and I did have to take a lot of breaks to stretch out but I did it!  I felt good, I mean not only did I learn something new, I actually made something! 

            I used to have a lot of hobbies, writing, drawing, hiking, photography… I still enjoy doing a lot of these things but found that I spent less and less time doing them.  When it came to balancing school and being a mom, and working, well there wasn’t really any time to do things I enjoyed doing.  Sometimes I lacked the money to be able to get materials to keep up with a hobby, so that stopped me too.   I have always kept up with gardening but with being so tired and sun sensitive, I wanted to find something I could do that I don’t even have to get dressed to do! 

            I’m going to keep trying to do more projects. I started on a night gown yesterday.  I’ll take today off and get some other things done.  I just forgot how good it felt to create something.  Sewing really is super cool!  I am eager to try some new projects too.  If anyone knows of easy projects, do share!  If you haven’t sat down and done something creative lately, give it a shot.  It is amazing what a boost of self confidence it provides, along with some well deserved self satisfaction!

reflections from the couch

Today has been an off day.  I mean each day I face challenges but today has been particularly rough.  Sometimes no matter how hard I try, it’s hard to find the positive spin on things… but I won’t let it stop me from trying.  So what can I find positive to reflect on when I’ve spent most of my day laying on the couch?  Well I guess I’m just thankful. I’m thankful that I am able to have good days, without the bad days; I wouldn’t appreciate the good ones nearly as much. 

I also have learned an important lesson that I think is going to help me a lot in life.  Sometimes I am going to have to ask for help.  I think that is something many of us don’t do or really don’t like to do. 

I know I never have liked to ask for help.  Somehow admitting I needed someone else’s assistance was like admitting I was incapable.  I felt like of a person; less of a woman, less of a mother, less of a wife, etc., when I had to turn to someone else for help.

 Now, having been pinned into submission, I’ve had to realize that sometimes I just have to reach out and ask for help.  We can’t just sit back and wait for help to arrive, we have to request it.  And you know what? Asking for help doesn’t make me any less of a person.  Hopefully, since I was able to ask for help today, tomorrow I will have more energy to see things a little more positively.