People handle fear differently. The other day after my Doctor Appointment, I cried the whole way to get Tre from school. I just didn’t know how to process this news. We parked, I got out to go get Tre and my friend yells from across the parking lot “So, what’s your problem? What’s wrong with you?” I looked at her, trying to figure out what she was talking about and it dawned on me that she was referring to my appointment. I wiped the tears from under my big sun glasses and told her what I had been told. She just said she hoped it wasn’t too serious.
With the things I am going through, I kind of am failing at the “I can” aspect I so dearly was clinging onto just weeks ago. The other day I told myself, “If I can just walk around the block, I will feel sooo much better” I made it around the block, sort of. Ran into a trash can, found myself kind of staggering back in forth. Giggled to myself that I’d probably have a sobriety test right then and there, should a police officer walk by… and that despite being about 11am, I probably could bet one of the other people walking was actually intoxicated and walking much better than I was! By the time I made it home, I was happy I’d found Dominic some nearly perfect jeans for $1 each at a yard sale, and a cotton summer dress for $2- but I was exhausted. I kicked back on the couch, and the next thing you know, two hours later, I’m waking up. I couldn’t focus my eyes, couldn’t sit up, for a few minutes I thought something horrible had happened. I just relaxed a bit, gathered myself, and was able to get up. Somehow I thought getting my blood flowing would help me feel better, nope.
Yesterday I had to go to the mall to get my graduation dress, that should be a whole post of it’s own- this graduation thing. Though some may mistake me as a cynical, joyless person, so I think I’ll sleep on it a few days. Not that I’m not happy about graduation; I get to walk across that stage with (well maybe before or after) one of my dearest friends, we really pushed each other through the last year and a half of college, and I get to see some of my family. I guess to sum it up, I have a pile of debt, and an undiagnosed medical condition. If things don’t get better, I can’t have a job, so that’s a sense of where I’m at. But I did get a pretty dress J I might be the only person walking across stage in basically flip flops though. Richard said he is going to give me a pedicure, since I can’t really sit too long in the same position, going to get one is not really an option right now. Isn’t he the best?
Okay, okay, okay, I was talking about fear and now I’m talking about toes… hello, back to the point. A year ago today, I watched my grandma fight to live, and fight to die. There was so much she still had to live for and so much waiting for her on the other side. Diagnosed just seven months before with Stage IV non-small cell, rapid growing, lung cancer, her outlook was grim. The doctors offered her some hope through chemo and radiation, said it could give her years to live, instead of just months. Well her liver didn’t handle the chemo well, and long story short, it gave up before the cancer won. But when I think back about our time together, I remember how strong she was. I held her hand through her first chemo, we sat and giggled, and reminisced, she told me in those times we shared how special I was to her. She used to call me “Super Mom” and I’d laugh and tell her I was far from it, she said I had the “patience of a Saint” I’d kindly deny, she told me how much she appreciated me- now that meant a lot. Now that she isn’t here, I gently encourage myself, echoing the words in my mind.
See when she got sick, I held her hand and told her, we’re going to get through this, I’m going to be there, it’s going to be okay. I thought at the time I meant “It’s okay, you’re going to get through alive” but in fact it was “It’s okay you’re going to get through this, and then you’ll be even better…” After watching the last and hardest night, thanks to my cousin Irene for being there- I knew she was ready to go. After she passed that next morning, we toasted her with a glass of wine.
When the nurse finally came, three hours later, she called us all to her side. There sat my grandma, whose face had been twisted from what I presume a stroke, but miraculously, her face had relaxed and donned what could be described as nothing less than a smile.
I really miss her. Right now, I’d be calling her, she’d be calling me… but what I do have are memories. I do feel like she is always here with me. On my hand I wear her wedding ring, in my head I hear her voice, in my heart I hear still feel her hand, holding mine.
Life isn’t always going to be full of good news. I guess we have to learn to accept that. While not everyone knows just what to do or what to say, having people around that care, that is what matters. The last two years of my life, so much has changed. But, I know my husband will see me through the worst of storms, my kids will love me, even when there’s not much I can do for them, and I have friends and family who care- and maybe that is the good that is coming out of all of this. Now I just need to work on the being stronger part…
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