I'm BAAACCCCKKKKK

So not a day goes by that I don’t sit and think of something new I can try. Is there anything I’ve missed? What haven’t I tried?  I know the answer must be RIGHT under my nose!  Today I was thinking to myself, it is much like trying to find the right key for a lock.  Imagine having this lock (what will work to help your child), but there is an infinite number of keys, and even pieces of keys that combine to make one key.  The deal is, to help your child; you have to find the right key!  The problem is, sometimes the lock changes too.  So something that might work one day, or one week, or even one year, can become obsolete.  This means sometimes revisiting things that did not work before, and being willing to try new things.  The key, ultimately, I think has to do with never giving up. Not giving up hope, not giving up on your child, and most importantly not giving up on yourself. 

What do I mean by things that can help? For my son, I consider the following; medications, natural supplements, homeopathic remedies, diet, and environment. Sometimes my tone alone can be enough to set things on a really wrong path.  I realized the other day, that in order to be the one “in control” I have to stay in control.  Meaning, if I want my son to see me as a “leader” then I can’t fall to tears when he calls me stupid or tells me he hates me. I have to stay in control of my emotions. I can’t react. I mean I kind of understood this, I’m not one to hit my kid for saying something inappropriate- but sometimes I snap back at him.  Fighting fire with fire isn’t really ideal.  I have to help balance him out, meanwhile leading by example.  Sometimes that is a lot of pressure!!!  God knows sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs!  And I had to realize that doesn’t make me a bad person, it makes me human.

I know I haven’t posted in a while. Life happened.  Tre was diagnosed with Asperger’s back in November.  After some struggles with school and some MAJOR anxiety (though really justified but too long to share now), I decided to pull him out of public school.  Now from 8:30 am to however long it takes us, I am teaching him.  He requires 100% of my attention to complete a task. As grueling as this can be, he is thriving!  When I see his growth and his confidence increasing, it makes every second worth it.  I have had to learn to manage my time better of course, because Dominic is still going to public Kindergarten.  We have Tre’s school, Dominic’s homework, martial arts for Tre, and now t ball for Dominic

Recently my uncle moved closer to us. He is Bipolar as well, and he is in kind of a rough place. I try to help him as much as I can. He recently started a new program and I am hoping he finds a better place. It’s a big adjustment for me.  I am now feeding six people at dinner each night, planning anything I do around not only my children but extra family members. I’d be lying if I said it was easy, and I definitely have earned my bi*$h badge on a few occasions. 

Health wise for me, I was finally diagnosed with Sjogren’s (what Venus Williams was recently diagnosed with) and antiphospholipid disorder (which causes blood clots).  My neurological symptoms came from things called TIAs which were warning signs for a stroke, the damage is not lasting or permanent but is much the same as a stroke.  So, I take high dose aspirin every day and so far, so good!  I also found out I have some major issues going on with my cervical spine but there’s not much they can do for me now. The answer was pain medicine, but I have found that I manage myself and my family much better without the pain medication.

Dominic is starting tball and super excited. He is on the Angel’s team, and cannot wait to get out on the field.  He has been showing some signs of PTSD lately, which is common for siblings of children with issues like Tre. So I think t ball will be a great opportunity for him to have some special attention, and some support, even from his big brother!  I bought the family all Angel’s shirts for the games and Tre cannot wait to sport his!

So I will try harder to be more involved.  I’m trying some new diet changes with Tre.  My approach right now is high protein and trying to cut out food dyes. So far we know for certain that Red Dye is a big culprit.  You wouldn’t believe all of the things you can find red dye in, look at your toothpaste (for example).  I did some research on Feingold’s diet, after hearing positive things from my support group.  It was an amazing read.  I also have been working on must do and may do cards with Tre.  The poor kid has so little control over things, even his own responses.  So when he can sort out the order he wants to do the “must dos” in, and pick the things he puts on his may do list, he at least feels like he has some power.

I know ideally he would do things because I am mom, and I said so… but that is not going to happen.  The child is the master of pointing out the fallacies in my logic and when he can’t do that he resorts to just flat out not doing things.  He keeps me thinking, that’s for sure!

My hope is that somewhere, somehow, some of my experience may be beneficial to someone out there.  Where we are at, parents of children with special needs, can be a very lonely place. I have let people convince me that I was the problem, that my child was fine, and that I was the problem for far too long.  I am proud of both of my children and I love them both very much.  I find that too many people keep their children’s issues quiet, like it is something to be ashamed of.  If more people would just come out and share their experiences, maybe more bonds could be created.  Maybe less people would have to feel alone.