State Testing = Mom Fail

State testing has successfully made me feel like the worst mom ever, a complete failure.  I knew Tre had test anxiety but I didn’t think it had gotten this bad!  Can you tell it’s been a long day?

Since Tre attends a virtual school, they set up testing locations at local churches, where kids from the community go to take the state test.  Tre’s days for testing were today and tomorrow. We talked about it for the last week, preparing for what would happen. I told his teacher about his bad test anxiety and she assured me, all would be well…  (this is where malevolent laughter can be inserted).

We pulled up and he was doing fine.  We had to go and sign in and things were good. We went and sat in the car to wait until the testing would start.  We sat and watched a video on youtube, and he started crying.  First indication that he was worried but I didn’t think it would be too bad and honestly I didn’t know what options I had.  I asked him what was wrong and he just shrugged.  We had a lot of positive talk “You’re going to do fine, just try your best”, so on and so forth.  “I’ll buy you whatever you want for lunch!” even entered the conversation.  Then the kids all started lining up by grade.  I said “oh, come on, let’s go!”  As I enthusiastically exited the car, he just sat there, arms folded.  So I got out and walked across the parking lot and he finally followed.  Slowly he approached where the other kids were, but not without telling me I was a stupid jerk. I told him to be nice and whispered that there were kids around and he didn’t need to talk that way.  He replies “Who freakin’ cares?!” overly loud  (at this point he is trying to rattle me because he is saying things I don’t want him to say and he is doing it in public, he wants to leave).

The teachers there were super sweet and let me walk him to the door where his testing would be held.  He stood against the wall and refused to go in.  He was standing there, holding his breath and shaking his head no, he wouldn’t even talk to anyone!  So the coordinator approached us and told him “Okay mom can sit in the hall, so you can look out the door and see her!”  Nope…  at this point I’m 1)embarrassed 2) desperate 3)scared.  No words can describe how it feels when you know your child needs to do something but there is nothing you can humanly do to force them.

So the poor teacher had to get all of the other students started as Tre adamantly stood against the wall refusing to go in. So finally the teacher said I could sit in the room!  Nope… I went and sat down; finally he walked in, I think hallelujah!  But instead of taking a seat, he just slid down the wall and started sobbing. He was even banging his head on the wall. Bless the other kids in the room, because not one starred or said a word.  About this point I’m tearing up.  The teacher approached me and said that we could go, just let the coordinator know what was going on. She said she had witnessed what had happened and would let the school know that he is not capable of testing at this time. She was ever so kind but her words cut me so deeply.  It was a reality check, just look at how sick my little boy is.

So I apologize and she said it was okay, and even hugged me.  She said that she just couldn’t let him be a distraction to the other kids.  I tried bribing him, threatening him, I pulled out every mommy tool I could think of, and nothing was getting through.  So on the way out I talked with the coordinator who incredibly understood and took responsibility for the school not being better prepared to accommodate us. See in the last three months, we’ve been on home school; we’re just starting with a third teacher. They said it’s not normally like that but since it is, no one is really familiar with us.

She said that she would either say “Unable to complete” on his test or set up a one on one testing between him and a teacher at a local library, so he could feel less anxious. 

I really tried to well prepare him for this.  I was full on crying by the time I got to the car.  I feel responsible for him being clingy to me; I worry if I have made it worse or if his disorder is getting worse.  I wonder is he trying to control the situation? Or is he just desperate to get out of the situation because his anxiety about it is so bad?  In the past he has handled situations like this better but from what I have been told; his bipolar will escalate, because he had such an early onset.

As I’m sitting in the car sobbing, he starts crying, he is soooo sorry and to take him back, let him try again.  He started calling himself stupid, and bashing his fists in his head.  See I wasn’t angry with him… but he was angry with himself.  He wants to be one of those kids that were sitting there taking the test as much as I would like for him to be.  Plus once he was crying in front of those kids, the last thing he wanted to do was be stuck in a room with them for three hours.

It’s hard to accept that perhaps this is just the best he can do.  I wonder what future he will have if he will always be so dependent on me.  What happens one day, when I’m no longer here?  Should I help him by letting him avoid stressful situations if possible, or should I push him to learn to deal with them more?  I didn’t know what else to do this morning.  There was no forcing him in a seat and making him write. Nothing I could have offered or threatened would have changed his response. He was completely shut down. 

I am so filled with this flow of emotions that causes nausea in my gut.  This clenching fear, and concern.  But I kiss him and tell him I love him and that it’s going to be okay.  I told him that we just have to try again and at least now they understand how hard it is for him. Sometimes I honestly have no idea what I’m doing!  Thanks state testing for reminding me of that.