T Ball and Therapy... what an eventful week!

So, the last week in recap?  We have been a busy bunch!  Martial arts practice Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  T-Ball game on Tuesday, practice on Thursday, game on Saturday.  Tre is doing amazing at sparring; I wish he could see himself, maybe he wouldn’t resist going so much. He loves martial arts but some days he just wants to do other things.  He is amazing though and I would hate to let him walk away from something he is so good at. I feel like he would regret it later.

Dominic loves T-Ball.  I watched him out on the field at his game. He was dancing, and flapping his arms. He by far is the most animated player on the team.  No, that doesn’t make him the best player but it is really funny to see him out there swinging his hips around, dancing. Except we had to talk to him about pelvis thrusts on the field, those were a little awkward to explain.  Thanks to LMFAO and “I’m sexy and I know it…” My oldest thinks that is the best song ever… It’s a case of monkey see, monkey do… and Dominic was the monkey “doing” on the field.  A mom looked at me kind of laughing and I had to insert some comment about busting out the dollar bills, she almost fell off the bleachers laughing.

As I sat watching him though, I found myself inspired by him. He was so carefree out there. He was in his own little world, just full of imagination. He was so happy, so alive…  I wish I could experience that feeling a little more often.

Then Saturday afternoon, Tre had his first meeting with a therapist. She was wonderful, very pleasant. Bless her heart. Tre had decided before ever stepping foot in the building that he was NOT going to speak to her.  And he pretty much kept that vow of silence.

Upon walking into the room, he said “Tell her mom, now!” I took a deep breath when she looked at me with her eyebrows raised, wondering what he meant.  As politely as I could, I tried to explain to her that he simply did not want to be there, that he was adamant that he would not be speaking.  (She had her work cut out for her). 

Before going in for our appointment, he did his best to try to fall asleep in the grass in front of the building.  See he’s been doing what I call a passive aggressive technique.  Such as right now, he is sound asleep on the couch, because he knows that is the only way I won’t try to get him to do more school work.  So that was his attempt at not going into the therapy appointment. Until I promptly shook his little butt awake and made him walk in with me.

She got him to speak no more than a dozen words in all the time we were in there.  She had a great approach though. After detailing all of our “Issues” she stopped and said “Okay, now I’d love to hear all the good things about Tre!”  which was a strategy I’ve yet to see anyone take.  So I made my list for her.  He kind of liked it too, I saw the weight lift off his shoulders when he realized she wasn’t trying to make him out to be a monster.

She kind of laughed when she asked me “So, is he oppositional?” I just looked at her like with a big smile and said “Well, yes, you could say that!” At one point he hid his face behind my back, so she couldn’t see him…  then he decided to kick back on the couch and put his head in my lap.  He got up, took my phone out of my purse and said “I’m bored, I’m calling dad”…  ah, the independence.

I explained “No, you cannot call dad, that would be rude, we are sitting here talking…”  But he decided to try anyway.  How’s that for oppositional? J  I’m kind of glad she got to see it though, because so often he is overly composed in these type of settings and I get the look like “What’s wrong with you? You’re son is fine!”

Then randomly mid-chat, he says “I want to go to the game store after this!” I said “No, not today”, which lead to a little debate. Then he wanted a game on my phone, and I finally negotiated and said that if he sat, politely, I would download the game when we were all done.  Something she said to me that I needed to hear was “You really have tried a lot, you must get really tired sometimes”, it was validating.  I sometimes feel really judged by professionals or worry about what I must be missing.

She did ask him what he liked to do and said that next visit she’d like to play a game or do something with him.  They decided to do some origami. He told her about the ninja stars he makes, and she said she would love to learn how to make them. She also told him that she knows how to make a few things, so she could maybe share a few tricks with him.  Then she asked him if he’d come back in two weeks, and he said yes!

Hey, it’s a small victory.  He said he’d go back!  He said he will never, ever, ever go in there alone without me.  I hope one day he is more confident but for now I have to just celebrate his willingness to go.  I was very relieved when he was agreeable about it.  So, it looks like every two weeks I am going to be adding therapy to my to do list.  Which hopefully will lead to good things.  

Some changes for mommy?

So as if there isn’t a lot already going on…  I have been met with a challenge, I guess you could say.  See back a few months ago, while Tre was still in school, I sent in an application for a position as a tutor.  The job seemed appealing, decent pay, flexible hours, etc. It was right up my alley; working with kids, being able to work around my kids was a huge plus!  Well months went by and I had put the thought out of my mind. Balancing T-Ball, home school, martial arts practice, and well life, has kept me VERY busy as of late. 

Well yesterday, out of the blue, I have a message on my phone.  I listen and it’s a callback on my application.  The man on the other end of the recording is explaining how they have reviewed my application and would like to speak with me more.  My mind starts with excitement, THEY WANT ME!  Then enters questioning and doubt.  What about Tre?  His separation anxiety has been really bad.  What about my illness? I’m so tired already; can I possibly take on something else? Then I feel frustration because this is an opportunity I’d like to jump on… what to do? What to do?

So about an hour later, while I’m still bouncing from “good idea” to “horrible idea” in my mind, the phone rings and it’s them again!  So I answer this time, deciding asking some questions would be best.  The guy was excited to catch me and explained more to me.  I have to work 8+ hours a week, that’s it, and the pay is decent. I mean we live on what we make now, so if I had even a little extra coming in, we could save towards a house.  The guy said I can set my own hours…  Wow, I’m getting more excited!

So I spoke with Richard and we agreed that it can’t hurt to try. We’ll be no worse off it I try and it just doesn’t work out.  And hey, it might be good for me to get out of the house, alone, once in a while too!  Now I just have to learn to trust people a little bit. See I can get Dominic home from school, but I’ll have to ask for help watching them between bringing him home, and getting back from my appointments.  I guess that was one of those things looming in the doubting side of my mind. 

It’s hard because I went to college, so I could do something with myself.  While I justify that my education has helped me become better prepared to help Tre, I still sometimes regret not being able to do more with it.  I love being home, don’t get me wrong. I want to be at practices and games, I want to help with homework, and fix booboos.  I want to be the one who wakes my kids up in the morning and the one who tucks them in.  I had to spend a few years missing out on things and I really didn’t want to have to do that again.  But sometimes it’s nice to have an identity outside of being mom.

So, I think we’ve decided that we’re going to give it a go.  I explained to Tre that this is how mommy can help to save money towards a down payment on a house, so we can move into a nicer neighborhood…  we have goals of more property so we can get a quad, and we can have chickens, and a trampoline and a swing set and he loves all of these things.  So when I say that this could help it happen faster, he gets excited. 

On the bright side, summer break is just around the corner.  I can always pick up a few extra hours, since I am not worrying about lesson plans, or making sure Tre has all his schoolwork done.  It will also help me set the pace and figure out what I’m doing!

I don’t’ have the job officially, I still have to do an assessment and background check, but I’m not really worried about those things.  It’s just a matter of figuring out if it is actually possible to do the job.  I guess it’s time to practice what I preach and just try…

Too Little, Too Late

I’m revisiting bullying again… Why? Because there is a need for more focus on the topic!  According to CNN, President Obama is going to be addressing the issue of bullying and I think it is long overdue, though I’m thrilled to hear that someone is finally talking about it! 

I am just sickened right now and while I’m in the “heat of the moment” I’m pulling out my soap box, dusting it off, and stepping up.   I just read a news story online about an eighth grade girl who, after years of being the victim of bullying, told her dad good night, went upstairs and hung herself.  This was a girl that took her own life because of bullying, or to reiterate what her sister said, the people who bullied her, killed her. 

The news story is here http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2112933/Eden-Wormer-Last-words-tragic-schoolgirl-14-hanged-relentless-bullying.html.  The police say that the children who were the bullies don’t seem to have pushed it to a point that seems punishable by law.  Yet this young girl’s life is gone.

If a parent were verbally pushing their child to a point of hurting themselves, that is considered “verbal abuse”.  That is considered just as devastating as physical abuse.  So why then, is it so easily dismissed when it’s children being verbally abusive?!  Just because a person does not resort to weapons, or hitting, does not make them less culpable of being abusive. 

I don’t think anything is going to be changed overnight but until bullying starts being taken more seriously, there are going to be more senseless deaths.  We send our children to school, in hopes that they learn to make friends, handle conflict, and adapt to the social intricacies.  We expect that the school will provide some type of supervision, and intervene when there are problems.

When Tre was in first grade, a boy slammed his head into the lockers; Tre was terrified of this child. Not much was done to curb this child’s behavior, probably because he was still so young.  I ended up having to pull Tre out of public school that year, as well, because his anxiety became so extreme, he would sit and cry every morning. 

Fast forward to the next year, the boy told a number of kids that he was going to bring a gun to school. Despite the teacher going to the Principal, nothing was being done!  So the teacher wrote a letter to the parents of children in that class, explaining what was going on.  While there are confidentiality rules, the thought of this child perhaps hurting one of the students was not something she wanted to be held responsible for.  The teacher faced repercussions for violating confidentiality, but little was done to address the bully issue.

It happens every where. It happens in cities, in small towns, in private schools… EVERYWHERE!  I was even had a co-worker bully me when I was a bartender, even shoving me to the ground one day at work because she didn’t like what I was wearing.  My boss just looked the other way.  For weeks I dreaded going to work, seeing her, and having to put up with what she said.  I was an adult and I wasn’t sure how to handle the problem. I can only imagine how a child being bullied feels, when he or she goes to the Principal, and the occurrence is minimized.

The old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a bundle of crap!  Words hurt, words echo in our minds, long after they have been said.  Words gouge our heart and bruise our soul.  No matter how confident, happy, educated, or loved we are, words can hurt us.  We cannot simply love our children enough to keep bullies from hurting their feelings.

According to a study at Yale University, bully victims consider suicide 2 to 9 times more often than non-victims.  At least half of all suicides were linked to bullying, according to a study in Britain.  “According to statistics reported by ABC news, nearly 30 percent of students are either bullies or victims of bullying, and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of fear of bullying” (Bullying Statistics, 2009).  Suicide that is connected to bullying includes different forms of bullying; physical bullying, emotional bullying, cyberbullying, sexting, and/or when messages or photos of a person that are suggestive or nude are circulated (Bullying Statistics, 2009).

So each day kids are staying home from school, because of bullies.  This opens a whole other can of worms for me.  See, right now, schools are really focused on the price tag. Each child, in his or her seat, each day, means money for the school.  So each time a child is absent, the school loses that money. I understand the importance of attendance, in relationship to education. I feel, however, there are things that are more important than money.  Things like my child’s health, safety, and well-being, be it physical or emotional.  Schools are encouraging people to send their children to school, sick or not. Schools even go to the point of demanding parents attend meetings if their child misses too much school.  Yet, little is being done to remedy bullying problems.  So wouldn’t a logical argument in fact be to address the bullying problem? If there were a 50% reduction in bullying, that means 80,000 more kids would be in school each day, right?  Posters like the one below declare “Zero Tolerance” when related to weapons; knives and guns, etc.  I think that what is being missed here is that words are weapons too!  Let’s add that to the Zero Tolerance Policy!

Right now people across the nation and Washington DC are saying that Obama has bigger fish to fry than the problem of bullying, but while crisis is brewing around the world, he is turning his focus inward.  Regardless of your opinion of the President, it is commendable that he is taking the time to focus on the subject.  Our kids are the future, they are the leaders of tomorrow, they are IMPORTANT! So much pressure and focus has been put on test scores, schools have kids eating, drinking, and dreaming about tests.  These tests create ratings for schools, and that is important!  Yet, until now, not much has been done to encourage schools to focus on the important thing, the children themselves!  Not everything in life can be based on a test score.

Say a fifth grader gets great test scores in math, is bullied every day at lunch, and kills himself that evening.  Is his test score relevant anymore? The school loves the fact of course, that this student raised their average, but I hope his death is regretted for more than just lowering the average.  Perhaps if some of the time that was spend pressuring the students to do better on the test, were spent on teaching about tolerance, acceptance, compassion, etc. things would not turn out so dismally.  There has to be a balance somewhere.  But until there is an effort to find it, nothing will change.   I am not, to be clear, putting the blame on the teachers.  I know many people who are teachers, and some that have stopped teaching, that are in fact wonderful teachers.  However, the teachers are under great pressure to comply with the expectations of the district, and ultimately their hands are left tied.  I have heard stories of countless teachers approaching school administration about bullying issues that are virtually ignored.

Undoubtedly, if said student does kill himself, the school will call in grievance counselors. The same children, who tormented and bullied the student, will be able to receive counseling. Things will be put on hold, academically, until the children can cope with what has happened.  Does this seem backwards to anyone else? 

Until bullying gets taken more seriously, things are not going to change.  School policies need to start addressing the issue of bullying before it escalates.  Waiting until after the fact, to clean up the broken pieces, is just going to allow for the victim toll to keep rising.

References

Bullying Statistics (2009). Bullying and Suicide. Retrieved March 17, 2012, from http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-and-suicide.html

It's okay to do something you're not good at!

So today’s T-Ball game was rained out.  I think we were all a little relived. We’ve been running around so much lately, it’s nice to spend a rainy day cooped up in the house. 

There is a topic I’ve been chewing on a little bit.  I have been trying to find the right way to explain it.  See Dominic is good at everything.  He really is.  He reads well, he learns quickly, he is a computer whiz, he beats all of his electronic games.  He has great behavior in school, lots of friends, he isn’t shy… he really just is incredibly well rounded.  Then we got to T-Ball, and well he just has a lot to learn.

I sat talking with a mom at our first game and she said that she was going to be taking her son to the park to practice more. It seems like some of these kids have been spoon fed T-Ball since infancy.  Seriously, they’re like mini-pros!   Then there are the kids that are inexperienced, like Dominic.  I told the other mom that I’m glad Dominic is not a natural at T-Ball, I’m glad he has to work for it, and I’m glad to see him have to work towards improving himself.  Why? Because I think it might give him a little more compassion for his brother. 

See lots of things are hard for Tre.  There are many things he is very good at; origami, skateboarding, riding a scooter, etc.  But there are many things that are very hard for him too.  I think this experience of not being naturally good at T-Ball is an opportunity for me to help him understand his brother more, like why Tre doesn’t read so well.

I mean, yes, I want my child to succeed at everything he tries.  It tickles me when I hear that he is doing very well at things.  But deep inside of my heart, I feel like every child should experience a struggle.  I think that parents push their kids towards things they are good at.  I think it is equally important to encourage them to keep trying when there are things they aren’t naturally good at.  Art, music, sports, and things like being social. 

I’m not saying force them to do things they don’t want to do.  I really don’t agree with that.  But we should encourage them to keep trying, even if it is hard.  When I was a little girl, I remember wanting to play softball, so bad!  I practiced and practiced.  Right before try outs, my dad told me that I wasn’t good enough to make the team, I should save myself the disappointment, and not try.  So I didn’t try. I decided at 10 that I wouldn’t be athletic, that it wasn’t my thing. I wish he had encouraged me to at least try.  Ultimately, even if I hadn’t made the team, it’s okay!  It’s okay to learn from those experiences too!  Instead I never knew if I could’ve been good enough, and though I’ve gotten over it, as an adult I vow to not stand in the way of what my children want to do, as long as it is reasonable. 

So, even if Dominic really struggles with T-Ball, it is going to teach him (I hope) to understand what it feels like not to be ahead.  Yes, we are practicing, yes we would like for him to do well, and at the T-Ball level, he is having a blast, which is what matters most.  Though I’m not staying up at night worrying about if he runs to third base instead of first, or to the dug out instead of home plate!   He is learning to be a team player, he is learning that he has to practice, and he is learning that it isn’t always about being good at things but about having fun!

Relating and working together

You know sometimes I get going so fast I catch myself blending everything together.  I find myself arguing with my five year old and forgetting what I was saying no about.  I find myself walking aimlessly from room to room trying to remember what the heck I went to get to start with! Sometimes I sit back and watch Tre and see him go through the same thing.  He gets caught up on what he is trying to do that he can’t focus on anything else.  To be honest, I’m very guilty of that myself.  Beware of my wrath if you interrupt me when I get caught up doing something! Kind of how I feel about being asked the same question 100 times while I’m trying to write this! J

 I have found systems that help me; hanging my car keys from a hook or placing them on the book shelf by the front door. God forbid I forget to put them one of these places, because then I am left scrambling to find them!  I hang my coat on a nail in the same spot every day. 

I put Tre’s pills in a container for Sunday through Monday, that way it doesn’t creep up on me that we are getting low.  I buy two boxes of dishwasher detergent and dish soap, so we don’t just run out.  I plan ahead to prevent myself from having the last minute anxiety of “when am I supposed to go get that?!” 

You know I’m trying to get Tre to use tools like that.  I want him to find things that he can use, to prevent a break down, to minimize anxiety, and hopefully to help him have a better day.  The first thing we did was put together a snack box for the back of the car.  There are very random, not necessarily all “healthy” but dye-free items that are appealing to him. When we are at a T-Ball game or practice, going somewhere, or even just at the park and he gets hungry, the box is there, I even have box juices in there.  Sometimes I rotate what’s in there and put little things that will be surprising to him.  It helps! 

I wonder sometimes if I’m not more like him than I realize and I just have adapted more.  I don’t like when things don’t go as planned. I panic when the unexpected happens.  I’ve had to really work hard to stop having anxiety attacks.  I close my eyes and push the pain (usually a headache) away from myself and I’ll be darned if it doesn’t work.  Granted his issues go beyond mine but I guess I just can relate to him on some level.  So I’m trying to help him see my weakness and what I do to help make myself stronger in that sense.  I plan dinners out for the week, I try to get as much done ahead of time as I can, so I have time for those “we have a project due tomorrow” nights, or time to enjoy the nights that everything is done and I can just sit back and relax (though those could happen more often!). 

Today I made Tre a print out of everything he had to do for the day.  I made print outs of each assignment as well.  I gave him the stack.  He found that the decreasing stack was encouraging. He started counting how many pages of work he had to complete.  Despite a few hiccups in our day, we finished our whole workload by 2:05 and he is now able to go outside and enjoy the fresh air and sunny day.  It was calling to both of us.  Perhaps we've found another tool to keep the day from being too overwhelming for him.  He had some tangible sense of what he was responsible for.

When we both started getting a little overwhelmed with school… (Him not wanting to read, and me not sure what to say short of threats, that don't work, to get him to)  I said “Okay I need your help with something!”  So I took him in the kitchen, we peeled probably two dozen oranges and proceeded to juice them.  He got to do some of the juicing, we worked together on peeling, and afterwards enjoyed some yummy juice.  Then he sat down on the couch to do “share reading” usually I read a few paragraphs, he reads one.  By the time we were done reading, I went to get the assessment work, and came back to a sleeping kid.

See back to the whole me panicking when things don’t go as planned; I have a hard time when he starts to have a meltdown about school.  My mind races, I worry that I will let him fall behind, that I won’t be a good enough teacher, that I am not giving him all he needs working with him…  Then I have to just stop. Because if I don’t stop, I get irritated, and frustrated, and sometimes I lash out at him, when pleading doesn’t work anymore.  Ultimately I have to remind myself that he is “getting” more now than he was before. He understands more, he is growing so much.  Sometimes he just needs a break!  And that is why this is so much better for him than public school. 

While he was sleeping, I did print outs of paperwork I’ll need in the next week or so.  When he woke up, we went to get Dominic.  When we came home, he went out to play a few minutes on his scooter, then he came inside, finished history, and art, and he was done!  He just needed a break and really so did I.

March Madness!!! Ah ha!

March Madness, how could I have forgotten? 

So Friday night was rough for me.  The Saturday came and we had Opening Day for T-Ball. Our team was able to raise some money, and the kids had a lot of fun.  Dominic is feeling better and looked oh so cute running around in his uniform and baseball cap.  And Tre, Tre had fun, running around and playing with other kids.  He did keep randomly talking to people about off the wall things, but hey I can live with that!  He is so full of energy right now that if I can’t find ways to properly channel it, it becomes negative energy. The problem is, this energy does not help when it comes time to sit down and do schoolwork either.  So we do some work, go for a walk, do some work, make origami, do some work, listen to music…  so it ultimately takes us two times as long to finish, but hey, we’re getting it done!

Sunday morning, I had to take Dominic bright and early for his team pictures. We left at 8:30 and didn’t get home until around 10.   I let him play with all of his teammates after pictures and just sat back and relaxed.  It was lovely. The weather warmed up and it was just peaceful. 

When I came home, Tre was up.  He had showered, got dressed, and even brushed his teeth. (That’s big for him to take personal initiative on those things and not to fight when he is asked to do them).  He was super eager to share with me the good he had been doing. I just love that.  I make sure to praise him every step of the way.  Then he said “Did you go look in the bathroom yet?”  I said “no…” he expressed some urgency in the matter, so I went to see what he was talking about.  There it was:

I stood there for a minute, just smiling to myself. See this is something I do for them, if I am leaving for any period of time, or sometimes just because. I use a dry erase marker and leave notes on the mirror.  I guess somehow he just sensed I needed to be reminded he loved us.  (and no, I haven’t wiped it off!)

Then the pieces all started coming together, the dots all start to connect.  It starts with him waking up going 100 mph before I can even open my eyes.  He carries this momentum throughout the day.  Rarely slowing down.  It swings from “happy” to “angry” with the bat of an eye.  But regardless he goes at it, full speed!  There isn’t much to say or do. I wonder “Is he unstable”, “did he eat something with red dye”, “did he take his medicine?!”  It took me until today to remember, yikes, it’s nothing other than March Madness!  

The time change, the weather change, it all has been shown to effect the moods of bipolar kids!  There is the September Slump and the March Madness.  And as crazy as it sounds, it explains his mood, so precisely! 

So you can safely assume I won’t be cleaning my bathroom mirror for a few weeks.  Just gotta make it through March! J  Leaving it there gives me something solid, something to look at when he is adamant that he hates me! Well and if he gets mad enough at me to erase it, I have a picture too!   

Confession time

Confession time…

It’s been a little rocky the last week.  Having Dominic home sick, has made it a little more challenging to balance schoolwork for Tre and he has missed martial arts practice, because he refuses to go with anyone other than his dad or me.  I’ve been cooped up at home with a sick kid and Tre and that has been a challenge.  So as much as I like to say that I see the good, I decided making some confessions would be fair for everyone.   First, I have to say my fatigue is hitting hard this week, and that always throws me for a loop.  It leaves me praying that I don’t backslide into months of being stuck in bed.  Because, honestly that just will not work! 

Before practice, Tre got to go to the skate park with a friend.  We shouldn’t have let him, he came home tired and out of his routine.  He didn’t want to go to martial arts practice.  He threw a huge fit.  My husband said he was going to be in the car until 4:15, if Tre wanted to go. If he chose not to go, he would not be able to play the rest of the weekend.  Well Tre had a huge, ugly, name calling meltdown.  He was loud, threatening, and mean.  When Richard went out to the car, he started panicking.  I said “can I help you get ready?” and he damn near ripped my head off saying “YES!”  He was so focused on other things; I was nothing more than a particle of dust floating in his world at that time.   But yes, I helped him get ready.  He was there on time, and he did very well.

Once they got home, he was happy again.  I had to go pick some things up for dinner.  I sat in my car and cried for a few minutes, before going in.  I felt like a victim today.  I felt like I wanted to be a bird and fly away, I felt like I didn’t matter, I longed for someone to be nice to me…  I felt sorry for myself.  I got burned out today on being snapped at, being called names.  When he came home feeling better, I wasn’t quite so ready to snap back into happy mommy mode.  Usually I do alright at this.  Today, not so much.  I guess between the sick, miserable, five year old, and that I just hit my limit. 

I made dinner, disgruntled, and I didn’t even want to sit by him, but I did. I was just quiet.  Angry at myself the whole time for how I was feeling.  After dinner, I opted to take the dog for a walk.  By myself.  I got halfway down the block before he ran to join me.  He called “MOM WAIT!” and he walked with me.  I guess it wasn’t so bad.

It is hard to remember that it is a symptom when things happen and not just my child.  Sometimes it’s hard to decipher if he is just being incredibly rude (which I think sometimes it is) or if it is just a result of his disorder.  I do know that yelling at him, or punishing him is not effective.  I know I have to wait until he is calm and try to relate to him.  Then he actually gets what I’m saying.  But sometimes it is really, really hard. 

It really is one day at a time.  I celebrate small victories, like him finishing all of his school work in less than three hours today.  I am so proud to hear how well he did sparring today at practice.  I love that he is so concerned about me, that he will not let me walk around the block alone.  But I stood there in the kitchen in tears, with my husband asking “What’s wrong?” and I felt ashamed to admit that I had just had enough today!  I just couldn’t bounce back today.  I felt ashamed to feel this way, but it didn’t make the feeling go away.  So, here I am writing it out.  I’m sharing.  I’m hoping that I can maybe make someone else feel better tonight about having similar feelings, or that maybe someone out there will say “I understand”… understanding is such a beautiful thing.  Something I lack all too often in my day to day life.

So that is my confession for tonight.  I’m just distancing myself, taking a little mommy time out because sometimes that’s all I can do.  I think I’ll head to bed early tonight, so I can try to be ready for what tomorrow brings.

more on bullying, what to do?

So, as a parent we want to protect our child in every way possible, at least I believe that most parents do.  So what can be done when your child is being bullied?  Sometimes the bullying can be so severe that a child may require counseling.  What do you do when your child comes to you and reveals something is hurting them?  What do you do, when it feels as though your hands are tied?

  For us, we opted to put our son in martial arts.  This not only increased his self confidence but it gave him a means to stand up for himself.  The class we picked was chosen because of his instructor’s philosophies and teaching methods. My son is taught to avoid fights at all costs but how to defend himself, if need be.

This decision came to us after we had lived here a few months.  My son was invited to a birthday party.  We were elated!  Of course we allowed him to go, it was two blocks over and we told him if he had any problems to just run home.  But we had met the parents who seemed nice enough. 

About an hour later, one of the older neighborhood kids, who turned out to kind of be an angel in disguise, a few times, brought Tre home.  He said that the boy who had invited him over and his big brother had Tre against a wall, kicking him because Tre wouldn’t go back to his house and get them a soda. I guess mom had told them no more soda, so they tried making Tre stop play and go back and get them one.  When he wanted to keep playing, they beat him up.  He was only 7! 

I should also say that we are desperately trying to save up our money to buy our own home. Tt isn’t like there were warning signs when we moved in.  Most parents don’t realize what a neighborhood will be like, until there are already problems.  I know my neighbor desperately wants to move as well but with how much it costs to move, to put a deposit on a place, etc.  It can be impossible to just up and move.   So what can you do, if you can’t just leave?

There are other steps that parents should take, especially if the bullying is going on at school.  I started doing research for a friend and found some fantastic resources.  I think the key is to try to establish a positive working relationship with the school, the Principal, and the teacher or teachers involved.  Make sure your child documents everything that happens, with details about who, what, when, why, and where… 

Try to keep things positive, if possible.  Additionally, know your rights. Don’t walk in blindly, as many people do.  Make sure the school knows that you hold them accountable for what happens while your child is in their care.  When you request something from the school, make it in writing. 

Try not to create any enemies but when it comes to your child’s safety, it may be necessary to work your way up the chain of command.  If things don’t smooth out after meeting with the Principal, contact the school board, contact the district, contact the superintendent.  Should none of these paths create any change, you can contact the US Department of Education, who will do further investigations into the matter.

After reading different bits and pieces of advice, I also think it is important to inform the school that you do not want your child talking to anyone without you or a reliable adult present.  If the school wants to address an issue with your child, it should be done with you in their presence. Then there is no trying to fill in the blanks about what someone said.  And no questionable accusations can be made.

This website, http://stompoutbullying.com/adults_page.php, has wonderful resources for the parents.  

I don’t think this is something that will change overnight.  I think that the more people who become involved in bettering our neighborhoods, schools, and communities, the more good will come.  I believe that many of these kids do not realize the harm they can inflict by being a bully. 

If the bullying is extreme or occurring outside of school, I think it is important to report the information to the authorities.   The key, like with many things is not giving up.  Keep going until someone is willing to help you.  Even go as far as to contact local media, see if someone wants to do a story on the news, that might get the ball rolling! 

Information provided from the following:

 © STOMP Out Bullying™ 2007 - 2011
www.stompoutbullying.org
A Love Our Children USA Program ©1999 - 2011 www.loveourchildrenusa.org

Bullying

Today I am going to start talking about a topic that is a very sensitive subject to me.  Bullying.  In my heart I have compassion for children who are bullies. I understand that in order to become that person who is mean, vindictive, harsh, and cruel, they must somewhere in their own lives be subjected to similar treatment.   The expression “bullies bully” is very accurate.  However, when your child is being bullied it can be hard to find compassion for the person causing your child so much pain.  I also believe that if the bullying does not get addressed, that the bully will not simply outgrow the behavior.  Bullying can lead to abuse, to hate crimes; it can escalate to irreparable levels.

It isn’t enough anymore for kids to pick on what shoes a kid wears or the brand of jeans.  For my son, he first was made fun of for being what the neighborhood kids call “the white kid”.  After weeks of hearing it, he decided to lash back, with an inappropriate, yet understandable response. Of course then he was called racist.  And he was nearly jumped. 

A few months ago, my son was out playing in front of our house on his skateboard.  A group of kids walked by, I say kids but two of them were six foot, one was my height and two were younger.  They were all bigger and older than my son though.

Well they told him he had to give them his stuff.  He said “NO!” So one of the kids shoved him down in the dirt and asked him “What are you going to do about it little white boy?!”  He couldn’t get up and a neighbor started to walk over and the group of kids took off running.  My son jumped up and ran inside terrified.   My husband took off after the kids and we’re probably all lucky he didn’t actually find them.  I called the police and filed a report.  To me, this goes beyond bullying.  This was assault, this was attempted robbery.

Not one of the kids on our block would tell the officer who these kids were by name, but they referred to them as the “Dirties”.  These kids walk around and beat people up and steal their stuff.   So the officer told us to watch out for them, get their names, anything we could, and let him know.  That was over Thanksgiving break.  The first day back to school, we were in the Multi Purpose Room (I volunteer with Kindergarten students in the morning).  Tre came running up to me, pale, like he had seen a ghost.  “Mom, it’s him! It’s him!”  I wasn’t even sure what he was talking about. So I got him calmed down and asked him what he was talking about.  Turns out that the kid who had shoved him down in the dirt was a fifth grader at the school!  My heart sunk. Here I had been assuming it was an older kid, and then I wondered how someone so young had learned to be like that.

It only took me a while to find out what the kids name was and his reputation.  I get it, he has a rough life.  I just can’t justify the terror that my son lives with now.  At home we had to tell him if he saw the kids to run.  But at school he was supposed to just mesh with them?  The school said they would keep the kid away from my son but it only could last like a week.  Then he was allowed back in the MPR for breakfast.  My son’s anxiety sky rocketed. 

We would make it maybe one or two days, then I’d get a call from the school that he was in the office crying or “sick” in the nurse’s office. No one knew quite how to handle him, so I’d go in and try to get him to stay.  I even sat in his class with him, to try to help him feel safe. He was constantly in fight or flight mode. He wasn’t learning anything; he was too busy worrying about how to get out of there!  So his grades dropped even lower, his confidence dwindled, his sparkle disappeared.  I had attendance breathing down my neck that the district was going to come down on me if he didn’t start staying more often.  I didn’t know what to do.

One day he finally said “if you leave me here, and one of them (meaning teacher/Principal) touches me, I will hit them and then I will be expelled, and at least I never have to come back…”  How was I supposed to leave him like that? He would hurt not just someone else but himself.  He was terrified.

It wasn’t until I finally pulled him out of school that he told me that this kid and the kids group of friends were starring at him in the hallways, and making little remarks, whenever they had a chance.  Some of the kids that are friends with him have a group, much like a gang.  They all wear these same color t-shirts.  They all have bad attitudes. 

A few weeks ago, my son and his friend were playing in front of my house.  My son ran inside, terrified.  One of the kids from this “group” had attacked his friend; his friend was laying in the street, in the fetal position.  I yelled for my uncle to help me with him, while I ran to tell my son’s friend’s dad what had happened.  Once again, the police were called, and we found out that the police actually have identified this specific group of kids as a gang. 

Where is the line drawn?  At what point does someone take action?  The school didn’t want to get involved with it.  I sit back and I read stories; a kid in third grade brought a gun to school and shot a fellow third grader.  We cannot simply dismiss the actions of these kids because they are young.

I was actually thrilled to read a story from Florida about three students who were facing charges for a hate crime after bullying and physically hitting an autistic child on a bus.  I think that a few things need to be taken a little more seriously by more schools…

1)      Racial discrimination is racial discrimination, if a child is being made fun of because of the color of his/her skin, it is racial discrimination.

2)      Bullying against children with disabilities.  Kids think it’s funny to pick on kids for being “stupid” or “retarded”, those words leave scars deeper than anyone knows! 

I know this.  Behind suicides, behind kids bringing weapons to school, there is usually a story of torment.  A story of a child that was picked up, ridiculed, made to feel worthless by his or her peers.  And while that doesn’t justify the end result, it does give some indication into what is wrong with our society, or at least our school system.  Bullying needs to be addressed.  Just because a child is annoying, talks too much, or a little different doesn’t give other kids the right to be cruel to them.  

If more effort were put into handling school conflicts and bullying, maybe there would be fewer school tragedies.  What about kids who turn to drugs and alcohol, to escape the torment?  I read in our school’s discipline policy that the student who is the victim of bullying would be granted permission to transfer to another school, why is he or she the one to be punished?  For us, we opted to pull our son out of school, but not all parents have that luxury, if you want to call it that. 

So what can be done?  I’m sorry but no matter how good your home life is when there is a piece of your life that is completely out of array, like school, it affects your entire being.  I found a website for a foundation called Stomp out Bullying.  It does have some fantastic resources.  It talks about what to do if your child is being bullied, who to talk to, etc.  It acknowledges how seriously bullying should be taken.   I will be talking more about that in my next blog…

Today, I am taking a break from blogging.  My poor little guy is sick with an upper respiratory infection and pneumonia.  His fever almost hit 104 today.  He is also throwing up :(... So I am off to take care of him and hopefully tomorrow I can have more to say!  I wish you all a wonderful night! 

We can't forget Dominic, though he is sometimes overlooked...

All too often in life we overlook the things that are easy.  The things that don’t take a lot of effort, we just make part of our routine without casting too much reflection.  In some ways, I have to sadly confess I do this with Dominic.  He is such a smart, sweet, and understanding boy.  That all too often, I think I kind of take it for granted.  I take time every day to tell him how wonderful he is and how much I love and appreciate him. Yet I realized in my blog I haven’t told you much about him.  So here it is.

I often wonder how two children raised by the same parents, growing up the same way, can be so different.  My boys are like night and day; Dominic is patient, loves reading, video games, and playing pretend.  Tre is fly by the seat of his pants, he has incredible focus with martial arts, he loves action; skateboarding, his scooter, jumping his bicycle, and he is a very literal person.  I remember when Tre’s pet guinea pig died he was only four. I thought he would fall apart, but he soberly looked at me, he nodded and said “it’s okay mom, everything dies!”  Shockingly, this was his same response at six when one of my grandmothers passed away and the year later when my other grandma died.  He seems aloof to death, unless I mention the fact that one day I will no longer be here. 

Dominic is my softy.  If I speak too firmly, which I tend to after a long day with Tre, he will cry.  I end up sitting on the floor, scooping him in my lap, and talking to him.  I rub his back and apologize.  I guess we all suffer from PTSD a little around here.

Dominic has a knight in shining armor complex which can be sweet and dangerous.  The sweet side is that little man knows just what to say to make me smile. He tells me “I love you in the whole wide world” which is his response to me saying “I love you to the moon in back”, I’m not 100% sure what he means but I know he means it from the depths of his heart, and it makes me smile.  Dominic also tries to slay the dangerous Tre dragon in the midst of a meltdown when Tre lashes out calling me “Stupid” or tells me he hates me. Not just once have I caught him charging out of the corner of my eye, only to tackle his brother.  It’s no small feat for a five year old to take down a seething nine year old mid-meltdown.  It also doesn’t help fix anything but his efforts are valiant. 

I had Dominic’s conference with his Kindergarten teacher today after school.  She said he is just wonderful. She said he just seems to know what to say. She wants to start writing down the sweet things he says, because somehow he just says them at the right time. She said he is like this not just with her, but with his classmates as well. He is encouraging and kind when they don’t understand something.   I mean his grades are great, he’s doing fantastic, but to know I’m raising such a compassionate, empathetic young man, means the world to me.  

I worry sometimes that he will carry the scars, not physical ones, but those left by a brother who can’t bite his tongue.  I worry sometimes he will learn behaviors that are not appropriate.  I am grateful for being able to rely on him. Every time Tre starts to fall apart, I ask him “can you please go play in your room?”  And he waits for the storm to pass, before he even attempts to come back out.  He is wise beyond his years, and he makes my life easier.  He has a right to act out, no one would blame him for talking poorly of his brother, or lashing out that things “aren’t fair”, but he doesn’t.  So, what does he do?

He is the clown of the family.  He is always making little jokes, he is quite funny.  He thinks a raspberry is the answer to a question he doesn’t know how to answer (once again pretty funny), he likes to stand at t ball practice and admire the way the moon is out in the blue sky.  He corrects me and tells me “it may be a falcon” when I say I see a hawk flying overhead.  He does his homework without being asked to, and then asks if he can do more!  He likes to think of others.  He makes me feel like I must be doing something right. 

I love both of my boys, so very much.  Tre even on his worst day, is one of the best things that ever happened to me.  And Dominic, he is the other.  My world quite literally revolves around these two little boys.  My hope for their future is that they can find a way to stay close.  Dominic always tells Tre “when we grow up, you can live at my house Tre, okay?” and I hope that if need be, it works out that way.  Just this morning, as I was getting ready, I heard Dominic ask Tre to read him a book.  Dominic is almost four years younger than Tre.  I sat and listened while he helped Tre with the words he didn’t know, so Tre could read him the story.  Those were some happy tears.

I just hope that they can continue to find reasons to relate to one another.  The love they share is really special. They fight a lot, but I think that’s a typical sibling thing.  I am just amazed at the resilience this little person has, and how big his heart is.  Maybe having a brother like Tre has helped shape him into a loving and forgiving person.  I sure hope so.

Sometimes little steps are really HUGE feats.

Okay I confess there are times I am overly protective of Tre… Not just of him but of what could go wrong, if he should happen to have a meltdown and the person he is with doesn’t know what to do.  I suppose parents of a diabetic child or an asthmatic child might have the same concerns.  Will the other parents remember he needs to take his medications, will they understand if he doesn’t answer their questions the way a “normal kid” would, should I send a handbook? (just kidding on the last one).  

I don’t want him to be subject to the often harsh judgment of others, nor do I want someone to accidently push him too far.   He does go to play at friend’s houses and kids do come over here. Fortunately he is able to “hold it together” when he goes to other people’s houses.  When he senses he is getting worked up, upset, over stimulated, etc. He leaves and comes straight home.

I have been accused of keeping him in a bubble of sorts, and I will admit that I have at times done just that.  I think all parents do though, maybe the kid down the street knows a little too much about girls, so we don’t let the kids play alone together.  Maybe the boy at school cusses a lot, so we are reluctant to let them get too close.  It’s hard to know when to let go and when to hold on tighter, for every parent.

Well Tre has had some good friends over the years, yet in all this time he would never even go on a play date alone. He was always too scared to be away from me for too long.   The background on this can probably go back to when he was four and I had to call the police because he was missing…  I had allowed him to play right outside the manager’s office at our apartment complex with some of the young kids who were sitting there. Our complex was gated in, and was a pretty safe environment.  I had been called by the office manager and he begged me to let him play for the few minutes I was inside, so I did.  I told him I would be inside if he needed anything. I even checked on him.  I was in there five minutes, tops.  I went back out to go home with him, and he was gone.

I searched every where. The kids he had been with were swimming with their uncle and he said he hadn’t seen Tre.  I thought maybe he was hiding in the bushes, so I walked the whole complex, finally starting to scream his name.  I desperately asked everyone I saw if they had seen him.  We had a pretty tight knit community and most of us knew one another.  I went back to the office, asked if he had gone in looking for me. He hadn’t.  My heart sank.  People started helping me look. Finally the office manager took the master key and started going apartment to apartment, if no one answered, she opened the door and called for him.  I went out to my apartment, to see if he had got mixed up and went there, nope.  I remember standing in the middle of the grass area in the center of our complex and figuring out what people mean when they say their world was spinning.  Mine was, I didn’t know where he was, I could barely hold Dominic I was shaking so hard, and to top it off, I didn’t even know my husband’s new work number…  And I thought “How on earth am I going to tell him I lost Tre when he gets home?”  Then my mind drifted to where he might be, what might be happening, was he okay?  I have never been so scared in my life.  Then I had to pull myself back together, I had to do something.

So I went back to the office and called 911- I described what happened, what he was wearing “he has on a little plaid shirt, long sleeve, button down, it’s blue and black and white, he has on blue slacks, blue sketchers that light up blue and red when he steps, he calls them his “Police shoes”, and a little silver police badge on his front pocket…”

  The 911 operator asked me questions and I couldn’t believe this was all happening.  About that time, someone yelled “She found him!”  I told the operator, he said “go make sure it’s him and that he is okay, then let me know”.  I ran out saw it was him, and told the operator, hanging up quickly.  I ran back outside and the office manager who had been carrying him, set him down, and he ran to me.  He was crying, terrified, and so was I!  I scooped him up and turned around to find the two police officers who had been dispatched.  Then we had to piece together what had happened, and exactly where he had gone.  From the time I discovered he was missing, to when I had him back in my arms almost an hour had passed.  Though it felt like an eternity.

Long story short, he had made his way over by the gate, which led out towards our apartment. A neighbor of ours who was always drunk told him that I had been called in to work and he told Tre that I wanted him to go back home with him.

So Tre followed him, in five minutes, I could have lost him forever…  He took Tre home and a woman staying with him gave him milk and cookies.  He asked the man to call me and he said he didn’t have my number. So Tre told him to call the office lady, because she had babysat him before, the man said his phone didn’t work.  He asked him to take him to the office, the man said “no”.

The office manager went to his apartment as she worked her way through all the units.  She opened the door and Tre automatically called out to her, crying hard, he was terrified.  She pushed past the man, grabbed him, and ran back.

The cops took me aside and told me that it would be very hard to do, but I had to get him to talk about what had happened.  We had to ask him, without suggesting anything.  “What rooms did you see?” “Did you play any games?” “Did he take you to the bathroom?”  These were really hard questions to ask without getting emotional, praying and hoping that the answer was “No”… and thank God nothing had happened.   Aside from being utterly and completely traumatized.

The police went to speak with the man, who had only recently gotten out of jail. They said while his house was disgustingly dirty, that there were no charges that could be pressed.  So for weeks, I locked us up in our apartment.  I was terrified something bad would happen. I felt like I had gotten so lucky to get him back safely that I didn’t want to take any chances.  Did I contribute to his anxiety about being away from me?  Yes, I probably did.  But wouldn’t anyone who had been through something like that do the same?

So today, I am celebrating growth, for both of us.  In the last month he has had two sleepovers, at other people’s houses.  He is getting more confident about being away from me, and I am getting more comfortable with him going, maybe even trusting him a little bit.   Of course the houses are right down the street from ours, so if he did need me, I am just a doorbell ring in the middle of the night away.  Before any time someone mentioned spending the night, he would instantly say no, without thought.  The first sleepover, a few weeks ago, completely caught me off guard. When he expressed his want to go, I gently encouraged him; it was such a huge accomplishment for him!  Neither time has he had to come home.  I don’t see him until about 9 the next morning.  Then he is rip roaring to go back and play more.  I guess it’s a sure sign he is growing up. Well maybe we both are.