The day my life changed forever

About ten years ago, something happened that changed my life forever. I mean we think at 18 we have had “life changing experiences” but really, I hadn’t!  I had been with my boyfriend for seven months and it occurred to me that I was late.  We were living together and madly in love, of course. We were so young, so naïve, and so happy with each other.  We worked together, that’s how we met.  So we lived together, we went to work together, we ate lunch together, we were with one another all the time.

April 20^th, 2002, I remember that day; we picked up a pregnancy test and were kind of joking about what we would do, as though it couldn’t possibly be positive.  We discussed the things that we would want in a child; confidence, passion, the ability to speak him mind… We were both usually quiet, meek, and easily shut up.  We wanted more for our child, should we be having one.  (We never once said anything about agreeable or understanding).

Well we went home, and I peed on the stick, while he paced the living room floor.  I sat there thinking it would be negative; the world would go on as I knew it.  A few minutes passed, I looked at the test, and there they were two lines. I remember him popping his head in and asking me what the test said, I held up the test crying, and all I could say was “Two lines”.  He was like what does that mean? I handed him the directions!  I sat back, apprehensive, terrified of what reaction he would have, what was going to happen next?  Just eight days before I had turned 19. 

I looked at him and asked “What are we going to do?” and with the biggest smile ever, my now husband said “We’re going to have a baby!”… And proceeded to run in the other room and call his mother before I got a chance to catch my breath!  So okay then I was terrified on a whole other layer, “What would his mom say?!?”  Luckily for us, she was incredibly kind about it!

I was 19 and I was determined to be a good mom.  I knew things were going to be hard, I knew being a parent was no walk in the park.  I worried about potty training, and teething, what about colic?  The thought of any type of disorder, or ailment never once crossed my mind. I just knew that deep down inside I wanted one thing, and that was to be a good mom.

I talked to my grandma shortly after; afraid she would be ashamed of me. She told me she loved me and that if she could start a family so young, she knew that I would be able to do so as well.  It gave me perspective, not many people in this day and age were having kids right out of high school, but there I was.  And she had done the same; it gave me so much hope.  I decided I was not going to let my young age compromise my son’s childhood.

From the day I found out I was pregnant, my life has taken on such different meaning; I became a mom, then a wife.  I learned so much about myself and my husband.  We had another child, we made decisions based on our children, no longer just on ourselves.   That's why that day, that I found out I was pregnant will forever be such a life changing day for me.

He was such a beautiful baby boy, he had the chubbiest cheeks, and the most beautiful blond curls, really, ringlets of golden sunlight hung from his head.  I was his everything, although his first word was “dada”.   I wanted the world for him.  My husband and I took turns going to college over the years, working some really horrible jobs, just so I could be there most of the day for him.  When I was home, he was my world.  I never in all those moments, each cherished second, realized there was anything wrong.  But hindsight is 20/20, isn’t it? 

I thought my son had hung the moon, I really did.  I still find myself in awe of him; skateboarding down the street like he is the conductor of a great symphony, mastering a pogo stick in a day, how naturally he came by martial arts.  He is still to this day amazing to me. 

Things get rough, some days they absolutely, well to borrow a word from him, suck.  But to be honest, and very honest, I would not change a thing.  That person I was 10 years ago had no idea I’d be sitting here today blogging about the struggles of having a child with special needs.  But I know she would be proud of me too and happy for the decisions that I made. And honestly, I’m glad for all those years I was able to go on not realizing there was anything wrong.