Confession time

Confession time…

It’s been a little rocky the last week.  Having Dominic home sick, has made it a little more challenging to balance schoolwork for Tre and he has missed martial arts practice, because he refuses to go with anyone other than his dad or me.  I’ve been cooped up at home with a sick kid and Tre and that has been a challenge.  So as much as I like to say that I see the good, I decided making some confessions would be fair for everyone.   First, I have to say my fatigue is hitting hard this week, and that always throws me for a loop.  It leaves me praying that I don’t backslide into months of being stuck in bed.  Because, honestly that just will not work! 

Before practice, Tre got to go to the skate park with a friend.  We shouldn’t have let him, he came home tired and out of his routine.  He didn’t want to go to martial arts practice.  He threw a huge fit.  My husband said he was going to be in the car until 4:15, if Tre wanted to go. If he chose not to go, he would not be able to play the rest of the weekend.  Well Tre had a huge, ugly, name calling meltdown.  He was loud, threatening, and mean.  When Richard went out to the car, he started panicking.  I said “can I help you get ready?” and he damn near ripped my head off saying “YES!”  He was so focused on other things; I was nothing more than a particle of dust floating in his world at that time.   But yes, I helped him get ready.  He was there on time, and he did very well.

Once they got home, he was happy again.  I had to go pick some things up for dinner.  I sat in my car and cried for a few minutes, before going in.  I felt like a victim today.  I felt like I wanted to be a bird and fly away, I felt like I didn’t matter, I longed for someone to be nice to me…  I felt sorry for myself.  I got burned out today on being snapped at, being called names.  When he came home feeling better, I wasn’t quite so ready to snap back into happy mommy mode.  Usually I do alright at this.  Today, not so much.  I guess between the sick, miserable, five year old, and that I just hit my limit. 

I made dinner, disgruntled, and I didn’t even want to sit by him, but I did. I was just quiet.  Angry at myself the whole time for how I was feeling.  After dinner, I opted to take the dog for a walk.  By myself.  I got halfway down the block before he ran to join me.  He called “MOM WAIT!” and he walked with me.  I guess it wasn’t so bad.

It is hard to remember that it is a symptom when things happen and not just my child.  Sometimes it’s hard to decipher if he is just being incredibly rude (which I think sometimes it is) or if it is just a result of his disorder.  I do know that yelling at him, or punishing him is not effective.  I know I have to wait until he is calm and try to relate to him.  Then he actually gets what I’m saying.  But sometimes it is really, really hard. 

It really is one day at a time.  I celebrate small victories, like him finishing all of his school work in less than three hours today.  I am so proud to hear how well he did sparring today at practice.  I love that he is so concerned about me, that he will not let me walk around the block alone.  But I stood there in the kitchen in tears, with my husband asking “What’s wrong?” and I felt ashamed to admit that I had just had enough today!  I just couldn’t bounce back today.  I felt ashamed to feel this way, but it didn’t make the feeling go away.  So, here I am writing it out.  I’m sharing.  I’m hoping that I can maybe make someone else feel better tonight about having similar feelings, or that maybe someone out there will say “I understand”… understanding is such a beautiful thing.  Something I lack all too often in my day to day life.

So that is my confession for tonight.  I’m just distancing myself, taking a little mommy time out because sometimes that’s all I can do.  I think I’ll head to bed early tonight, so I can try to be ready for what tomorrow brings.