Too Little, Too Late

I’m revisiting bullying again… Why? Because there is a need for more focus on the topic!  According to CNN, President Obama is going to be addressing the issue of bullying and I think it is long overdue, though I’m thrilled to hear that someone is finally talking about it! 

I am just sickened right now and while I’m in the “heat of the moment” I’m pulling out my soap box, dusting it off, and stepping up.   I just read a news story online about an eighth grade girl who, after years of being the victim of bullying, told her dad good night, went upstairs and hung herself.  This was a girl that took her own life because of bullying, or to reiterate what her sister said, the people who bullied her, killed her. 

The news story is here http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2112933/Eden-Wormer-Last-words-tragic-schoolgirl-14-hanged-relentless-bullying.html.  The police say that the children who were the bullies don’t seem to have pushed it to a point that seems punishable by law.  Yet this young girl’s life is gone.

If a parent were verbally pushing their child to a point of hurting themselves, that is considered “verbal abuse”.  That is considered just as devastating as physical abuse.  So why then, is it so easily dismissed when it’s children being verbally abusive?!  Just because a person does not resort to weapons, or hitting, does not make them less culpable of being abusive. 

I don’t think anything is going to be changed overnight but until bullying starts being taken more seriously, there are going to be more senseless deaths.  We send our children to school, in hopes that they learn to make friends, handle conflict, and adapt to the social intricacies.  We expect that the school will provide some type of supervision, and intervene when there are problems.

When Tre was in first grade, a boy slammed his head into the lockers; Tre was terrified of this child. Not much was done to curb this child’s behavior, probably because he was still so young.  I ended up having to pull Tre out of public school that year, as well, because his anxiety became so extreme, he would sit and cry every morning. 

Fast forward to the next year, the boy told a number of kids that he was going to bring a gun to school. Despite the teacher going to the Principal, nothing was being done!  So the teacher wrote a letter to the parents of children in that class, explaining what was going on.  While there are confidentiality rules, the thought of this child perhaps hurting one of the students was not something she wanted to be held responsible for.  The teacher faced repercussions for violating confidentiality, but little was done to address the bully issue.

It happens every where. It happens in cities, in small towns, in private schools… EVERYWHERE!  I was even had a co-worker bully me when I was a bartender, even shoving me to the ground one day at work because she didn’t like what I was wearing.  My boss just looked the other way.  For weeks I dreaded going to work, seeing her, and having to put up with what she said.  I was an adult and I wasn’t sure how to handle the problem. I can only imagine how a child being bullied feels, when he or she goes to the Principal, and the occurrence is minimized.

The old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a bundle of crap!  Words hurt, words echo in our minds, long after they have been said.  Words gouge our heart and bruise our soul.  No matter how confident, happy, educated, or loved we are, words can hurt us.  We cannot simply love our children enough to keep bullies from hurting their feelings.

According to a study at Yale University, bully victims consider suicide 2 to 9 times more often than non-victims.  At least half of all suicides were linked to bullying, according to a study in Britain.  “According to statistics reported by ABC news, nearly 30 percent of students are either bullies or victims of bullying, and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of fear of bullying” (Bullying Statistics, 2009).  Suicide that is connected to bullying includes different forms of bullying; physical bullying, emotional bullying, cyberbullying, sexting, and/or when messages or photos of a person that are suggestive or nude are circulated (Bullying Statistics, 2009).

So each day kids are staying home from school, because of bullies.  This opens a whole other can of worms for me.  See, right now, schools are really focused on the price tag. Each child, in his or her seat, each day, means money for the school.  So each time a child is absent, the school loses that money. I understand the importance of attendance, in relationship to education. I feel, however, there are things that are more important than money.  Things like my child’s health, safety, and well-being, be it physical or emotional.  Schools are encouraging people to send their children to school, sick or not. Schools even go to the point of demanding parents attend meetings if their child misses too much school.  Yet, little is being done to remedy bullying problems.  So wouldn’t a logical argument in fact be to address the bullying problem? If there were a 50% reduction in bullying, that means 80,000 more kids would be in school each day, right?  Posters like the one below declare “Zero Tolerance” when related to weapons; knives and guns, etc.  I think that what is being missed here is that words are weapons too!  Let’s add that to the Zero Tolerance Policy!

Right now people across the nation and Washington DC are saying that Obama has bigger fish to fry than the problem of bullying, but while crisis is brewing around the world, he is turning his focus inward.  Regardless of your opinion of the President, it is commendable that he is taking the time to focus on the subject.  Our kids are the future, they are the leaders of tomorrow, they are IMPORTANT! So much pressure and focus has been put on test scores, schools have kids eating, drinking, and dreaming about tests.  These tests create ratings for schools, and that is important!  Yet, until now, not much has been done to encourage schools to focus on the important thing, the children themselves!  Not everything in life can be based on a test score.

Say a fifth grader gets great test scores in math, is bullied every day at lunch, and kills himself that evening.  Is his test score relevant anymore? The school loves the fact of course, that this student raised their average, but I hope his death is regretted for more than just lowering the average.  Perhaps if some of the time that was spend pressuring the students to do better on the test, were spent on teaching about tolerance, acceptance, compassion, etc. things would not turn out so dismally.  There has to be a balance somewhere.  But until there is an effort to find it, nothing will change.   I am not, to be clear, putting the blame on the teachers.  I know many people who are teachers, and some that have stopped teaching, that are in fact wonderful teachers.  However, the teachers are under great pressure to comply with the expectations of the district, and ultimately their hands are left tied.  I have heard stories of countless teachers approaching school administration about bullying issues that are virtually ignored.

Undoubtedly, if said student does kill himself, the school will call in grievance counselors. The same children, who tormented and bullied the student, will be able to receive counseling. Things will be put on hold, academically, until the children can cope with what has happened.  Does this seem backwards to anyone else? 

Until bullying gets taken more seriously, things are not going to change.  School policies need to start addressing the issue of bullying before it escalates.  Waiting until after the fact, to clean up the broken pieces, is just going to allow for the victim toll to keep rising.

References

Bullying Statistics (2009). Bullying and Suicide. Retrieved March 17, 2012, from http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-and-suicide.html