Bullying

Today I am going to start talking about a topic that is a very sensitive subject to me.  Bullying.  In my heart I have compassion for children who are bullies. I understand that in order to become that person who is mean, vindictive, harsh, and cruel, they must somewhere in their own lives be subjected to similar treatment.   The expression “bullies bully” is very accurate.  However, when your child is being bullied it can be hard to find compassion for the person causing your child so much pain.  I also believe that if the bullying does not get addressed, that the bully will not simply outgrow the behavior.  Bullying can lead to abuse, to hate crimes; it can escalate to irreparable levels.

It isn’t enough anymore for kids to pick on what shoes a kid wears or the brand of jeans.  For my son, he first was made fun of for being what the neighborhood kids call “the white kid”.  After weeks of hearing it, he decided to lash back, with an inappropriate, yet understandable response. Of course then he was called racist.  And he was nearly jumped. 

A few months ago, my son was out playing in front of our house on his skateboard.  A group of kids walked by, I say kids but two of them were six foot, one was my height and two were younger.  They were all bigger and older than my son though.

Well they told him he had to give them his stuff.  He said “NO!” So one of the kids shoved him down in the dirt and asked him “What are you going to do about it little white boy?!”  He couldn’t get up and a neighbor started to walk over and the group of kids took off running.  My son jumped up and ran inside terrified.   My husband took off after the kids and we’re probably all lucky he didn’t actually find them.  I called the police and filed a report.  To me, this goes beyond bullying.  This was assault, this was attempted robbery.

Not one of the kids on our block would tell the officer who these kids were by name, but they referred to them as the “Dirties”.  These kids walk around and beat people up and steal their stuff.   So the officer told us to watch out for them, get their names, anything we could, and let him know.  That was over Thanksgiving break.  The first day back to school, we were in the Multi Purpose Room (I volunteer with Kindergarten students in the morning).  Tre came running up to me, pale, like he had seen a ghost.  “Mom, it’s him! It’s him!”  I wasn’t even sure what he was talking about. So I got him calmed down and asked him what he was talking about.  Turns out that the kid who had shoved him down in the dirt was a fifth grader at the school!  My heart sunk. Here I had been assuming it was an older kid, and then I wondered how someone so young had learned to be like that.

It only took me a while to find out what the kids name was and his reputation.  I get it, he has a rough life.  I just can’t justify the terror that my son lives with now.  At home we had to tell him if he saw the kids to run.  But at school he was supposed to just mesh with them?  The school said they would keep the kid away from my son but it only could last like a week.  Then he was allowed back in the MPR for breakfast.  My son’s anxiety sky rocketed. 

We would make it maybe one or two days, then I’d get a call from the school that he was in the office crying or “sick” in the nurse’s office. No one knew quite how to handle him, so I’d go in and try to get him to stay.  I even sat in his class with him, to try to help him feel safe. He was constantly in fight or flight mode. He wasn’t learning anything; he was too busy worrying about how to get out of there!  So his grades dropped even lower, his confidence dwindled, his sparkle disappeared.  I had attendance breathing down my neck that the district was going to come down on me if he didn’t start staying more often.  I didn’t know what to do.

One day he finally said “if you leave me here, and one of them (meaning teacher/Principal) touches me, I will hit them and then I will be expelled, and at least I never have to come back…”  How was I supposed to leave him like that? He would hurt not just someone else but himself.  He was terrified.

It wasn’t until I finally pulled him out of school that he told me that this kid and the kids group of friends were starring at him in the hallways, and making little remarks, whenever they had a chance.  Some of the kids that are friends with him have a group, much like a gang.  They all wear these same color t-shirts.  They all have bad attitudes. 

A few weeks ago, my son and his friend were playing in front of my house.  My son ran inside, terrified.  One of the kids from this “group” had attacked his friend; his friend was laying in the street, in the fetal position.  I yelled for my uncle to help me with him, while I ran to tell my son’s friend’s dad what had happened.  Once again, the police were called, and we found out that the police actually have identified this specific group of kids as a gang. 

Where is the line drawn?  At what point does someone take action?  The school didn’t want to get involved with it.  I sit back and I read stories; a kid in third grade brought a gun to school and shot a fellow third grader.  We cannot simply dismiss the actions of these kids because they are young.

I was actually thrilled to read a story from Florida about three students who were facing charges for a hate crime after bullying and physically hitting an autistic child on a bus.  I think that a few things need to be taken a little more seriously by more schools…

1)      Racial discrimination is racial discrimination, if a child is being made fun of because of the color of his/her skin, it is racial discrimination.

2)      Bullying against children with disabilities.  Kids think it’s funny to pick on kids for being “stupid” or “retarded”, those words leave scars deeper than anyone knows! 

I know this.  Behind suicides, behind kids bringing weapons to school, there is usually a story of torment.  A story of a child that was picked up, ridiculed, made to feel worthless by his or her peers.  And while that doesn’t justify the end result, it does give some indication into what is wrong with our society, or at least our school system.  Bullying needs to be addressed.  Just because a child is annoying, talks too much, or a little different doesn’t give other kids the right to be cruel to them.  

If more effort were put into handling school conflicts and bullying, maybe there would be fewer school tragedies.  What about kids who turn to drugs and alcohol, to escape the torment?  I read in our school’s discipline policy that the student who is the victim of bullying would be granted permission to transfer to another school, why is he or she the one to be punished?  For us, we opted to pull our son out of school, but not all parents have that luxury, if you want to call it that. 

So what can be done?  I’m sorry but no matter how good your home life is when there is a piece of your life that is completely out of array, like school, it affects your entire being.  I found a website for a foundation called Stomp out Bullying.  It does have some fantastic resources.  It talks about what to do if your child is being bullied, who to talk to, etc.  It acknowledges how seriously bullying should be taken.   I will be talking more about that in my next blog…